I have never claimed to be the most polished or attractive girl there ever was, but I do pride myself on always trying to work with what I have got to look my best. That is why I am really struggling at the moment. Throughout my treatment I tried really hard to not look like a 'cancer patient'. Whilst it may not be an important factor for everyone going through the battle I've been through, for me it was a way of holding on to a little part of myself 'before cancer'.
Its amazing how much cancer takes from you - it takes away your sense of normality, your ability to live care free, your health, your freedom, parts of your body, etc. and I feel that holding on to my appearance was one thing I was able to control. For a while at the very beginning of treatment I felt really good; I still had my long dark hair, my skin was almost doll like and my body was just as I wanted it. But the chemo has taken its toll now! I haven't been able to dye my hair so it looks very odd and I had a lot cut off to try and stop there being too many different colours and it has also thinned quite a lot now. My body is bloated and carrying too much weight due to the side affects of the chemo and also not having the energy to exercise.
My skin looks like a teenagers'; greasy and full of spots. I suppose this is my immune system being so low, but I find it SO hard to deal cope with. Your face is what people see first and although people say it looks fine I KNOW it doesn't. Maybe its a throwback to my teenage years when I suffered from acne younger than most of my peers; I used to get called SuperTed's best friend - remember his name??? .......Spotty! Thanks for that!! Acne isn't supposed to be something a 32 year old mother should have to deal with. I am so strict with my skincare routine; I have the cleanest face in the west!! But still these boils and spots are here. It affects my confidence hugely; I want to be able to celebrate the end of treatment and plan for my birthday in August but I don't want anyone to see me looking this bad!
Anyways, enough moaning already Charlotte! I do have my life and a bright future and I know that I will be able to get back to normal soon - I just need some patience (not my strong point). I so desire to be me again; I have been through a lot and is just another hurdle along the way.
Much Love (and sorry for the negativity!)
Cx
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