What I have learnt

Inevitably going through something that forces you to face your own mortality will also give you lots of lessons.  I am incredibly lucky to be in a position  where I am able to use these lessons in the rest of my life.  Some of these things are fairly obvious, but I wanted to chart them as much for myself as for you reading.

• Life is so very precious - it is amazing that you can be faced with how fragile life is by the use of one word and in one moment.  Saying that you should live each day as if it your last is a bit hedonistic for me, but I do believe in making the most of every moment and being thankful for each new day.
• Don't sweat the small stuff - but sometimes it is the small stuff that matter.  I have learnt not to stress about things that are out of my control or don't really matter; but equally I have learnt that being able to still experience the small things, like seeing Alexa's smile, waking up to sunshine or having a cuppa with friends and family, are incredibly precious.  I am far more appreciative of everything in my life now.
• Some people will never get it - I didn't have a 'touch' of cancer, my chemotherapy wasn't a light version, I am not ok just because I haven't lost my hair and I will never be the same person again.  I try to not let some people's attitudes get to me, but I am proud of the battle I have been through and don't want anyone to belittle my accomplishment.
• You find out who really cares and who will always be there for you - sometimes this can really surprise you! Sometimes the people you expect to be there for you suddenly don't know how to act or speak around you, whereas it can be the people you least expect to be there offer you unending support.
• The innocence of childhood is to be cherished - Throughout this journey I have always been able to look at my amazing daughter and feel a real sense of love and hope.  She was young enough to have not been aware of the crisis going on around her; she would happily sit and read through my chemotherapy book without having a clue what it was!  The innocence of childhood disappears so quickly, so cherish and encourage it whilst it is still there.
• Normality and routine is actually very important - Living with cancer is like living in a bubble; it consumes your whole life and becomes your reality.  This is why I craved normality so much.  I wanted to be back at work, to be able to moan about having a cold, to look 'normal' and to be a normal Mum.  I appreciate all of these things so much more now.
• You have no idea how strong you are until you are tested - I even surprised myself with my strength!  But there is no option, you are fighting a battle and strength will give you a fighting chance of winning.
• Listen to your body - if you think there is something not right then get it checked out - it really is that simple!  Question your doctor and make sure that you are satisfied with the outcome, if not then keep going!
• Living with guilt and regret is a waste of time - If you don't think something is right then don't do it! Then you will not feel guilty or have regrets.  If you do make mistakes then learn from them and don't make the same one again.
• Live in the now - yesterday is done, today is going and tomorrow is yet to come, so make the most of the moment you are in NOW.

Much Love Cx

Back to Blogging.....

It has now been a little over three months since I had my last dose of chemotherapy.  I cannot believe how fast that time has passed.  It is just short of a year since my diagnosis; this time last year I was in constant, excruciating pain, I looked grey and very ill and I was loosing so much weight.  I was also working full time, looking after my 10 month old daughter, running my home and also preparing for an OFSTED!  I still cannot believe that I managed to do all of that; I remember feeling that if I sat down and stopped I would never get up again!  I would keep on at an incredible pace from 6am until 10pm when I would drop into bed feeling hugely exhausted.  I also still had no idea just how ill I was; but I knew in the back of my mind that something was seriously wrong.

I am really proud of how far I have come and how much I have battled to get where I am today.  I am sure that I have already shared a quote that I can hugely relate to 'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have.'  This is so very true; when I speak to people about my experience I am always told that they cannot believe how strong I was and how they don't think they would have reacted in the same way if it was them.  But I would have said that if I was them!  There was no choice but to be strong; there was no way this cancer was going to beat me and take me away from my family, friends and beautiful daughter.

I cannot say that the past three months have been easy; most of the time I am able to be 'normal'.  I enjoy being a normal Mum, doing normal thing like shopping, swimming, catching up with friends, having a cheeky drink, etc.  But I can also honestly say that there hasn't been a day since that I haven't thought about cancer and what I went through.  I am fully aware that this has totally changed me; I will never be the same person again.  I have learnt so much; who and what is important, how fragile life is and how it is the little things that matter the most.  The emotions have been hitting me really hard; I try not to constantly look backwards, but I am aware that I do have a lot of feelings to work through.  When I recall events from last year I feel a real sense of fear and panic; these are the emotions that I put into a little box when I was going through my operation, recovery and treatment. 

I am still a long way from being 'OK' again; this is what I struggle with slightly!  Because the treatment has finished and I look 'OK', lots of people think I am fine.  But this is not quite true; I am still experiencing numb fingers and toes, I still get an itchy rash about every three weeks, I am still exhausted and have low energy levels and my immune system has not yet recovered.  My Oncologist has said that it can take up to a year for all of these side affects to go and I am mindful that I still need to look after myself.

So I am now travelling on the second phase of this journey; this journey will last a lifetime. 

Sorry for the absence.....I will update you will what has happened since my last post over the weekend.

Much Love Cx