I hoped it would get easier...

Well the rollercoaster that I have been on over the past 6 or 7 months is almost over.  I though that as I neared the end of the treatment then things would get easier, but I have found this to be very far from the truth!  I have had a very down week so far; I think its in part due to having a bit of a cold.  Although it seems silly to moan about a cold, when you have zero immune system it hits you REALLY hard.  I have spent most of this week in bed dreaming of being in the random days of beautiful sunshine we have had; but I am thankful that I don't have a temperature and can rest at home instead of A&E.

As I am coming to the end of the treatment I seem to be spending a lot of time looking backwards.  I think that my way of coping with all the challenges that I was given was just to get on with it; there seemed no time or positive reason to let emotions get to involved with the process of treatment and ensuring I was getting back to health.  So it seems that now all of these emotions are resurfacing.  I have realised that I haven't really cried much during this whole process; is this is a good thing?? I'm certainly not doing it intentionally and maybe the tears will come with the relief of the end of chemo; but we all need a good old cry at times and I am sure my time will come.  I have arranged to have some counselling to talk through these suppressed emotions; it is just with the colonrectal nurses at the Royal Berks, but it is a start and I hope that it will be helpful.

I keep thinking back to the 21st November when I was diagnosed; although it seemed a blur at the time I can remember so much about it now.  I remember the exact words that the specialist used and exactly how I felt when he said the word cancer; it was like I felt a physical punch to the heart.  I remember thinking how bad I felt for the specialist having to tell me and how he must have been dreading my appointment all morning!  I also remember vividly telling my Mum over the phone that it was cancer and how I could hear her crumble.  But there were positives of that day; my best friends Aisha and Lucy were the first people I called after my Mum.  I will never forget their positivity; they didn't cry or even act too shocked, they both just told me that we would get through this and that I would be fine.  The positivity that they gave me from that moment has stayed with me through this whole time.

As I am looking backwards I keep coming back to the questions for which there seems to be no (definitive) answer, that is "why did I develop colon cancer?"  The health professionals cannot say for sure, but I have started to look at my diet and lifestyle in the past.  I was once addicted to RedBulls and I am sure that this has had a contributing factor; a lot of the cancer books that I have dipped in and out of talk about how sugar can contribute to tumour growth.  At one point I was drinking two cans a day without fail; if only I knew then what I know now! My diet has never been that bad, but when I first moved out of home to go to university I did make unhealthy choices; processed, quick food, chocolate chunk shortbread from Starbucks for breakfast, etc.  I do now however eat in moderation; a balance of home cooked foods and unhealthier foods too!  I was always sporty as a child but as I grew up my interest dwindled and I could never find the time, so exercise has never been a huge part of my lifestyle.  So maybe a combination of all these factors contributed; and if they didn't, well I'm sure I will benefit from the healthy lifestyle that I am determined to adopt once I am back on my feet.

I have never been a smoker or a huge drinker, so a part of me feels a bit hard done by and a little bit bitter that cancer chose me when SO many people make the decision to shortened their lives through smoking and drinking to excess.  I don't want to sound like I'm preaching but we all know the dangers of smoking and yet people choose to put all those chemicals in their bodies and some women even choose to poison their babies when they are pregnant?!? I just don't get it?!?  Atleast my grandparents generation could plead ignorance; smoking was encouraged before the sixties.  Anyway, enough of me on my soap box!

I have been told many times that I have been really brave; and to be honest some of the things that I have had to go through have always been my worst fears, such as having to be cut open for my operation, so I am very proud of myself.  But all I have done is what I needed to do to survive this; you don't know your true strength until you need to be strong and I must admit that I have even taken myself by surprise at times! I suppose it is the survival instinct, I had no choice.  I had to get through this.  But I am relived that it is coming to an end!

I apologise that this post is a bit all over the place! I think my mind is aswell at the moment!!

Much Love Cx

Ding! Ding! Round 7!

I can now officially say that I have only one round left of chemo!! YAY!! I can't believe how quickly it has gone, although in some ways its hard to remember life before cancer!!

Well Mum and I seem to have got into a bit of a routine on chemo days now; early start and breakfast at the hospital.  Whilst Mum makes a healthy choice in M&S, berries and yogurt, I tend to choose a pastry from the cafe! I definitely need to sort out my healthy diet!!  But hey, I'm banking on the chemo doing its job for the time being, I can sort out my healthy diet once its all over!

So we went to the appointment with the oncologist and went in in record time this week! Didn't have to wait for more than half an hour this time.  The doctor was again pleased with my blood results, although again my levels were low they were just about high enough to go ahead with the treatment.  I had a few questions for the doctor this time, the first was to arrange some counselling.  There was a lovely nurse present during the appointment and she took on organising this for me; she is sending me some dates for one-to-one counselling at the hospital and also look at the possibility of going to group counselling sessions.  This has definitely put my mind at rest to know that this can go ahead and I can start to get my head around what has happened in the past few months.

I also asked about my diet; as mentioned before I have been researching healthy food and lifestyle choices to help prevent the return of cancer, my problem is that as I suffered from bowel cancer I am still finding it hard to digest lots of the healthy foods.  I find fruit and vegetables hard to digest, particularly when they are raw.  The doctor suggested that I keep a food diary and work out what is good for me and what is not.  I am also worried about my weight gain; I suppose its not having the energy to exercise and also being able to eat more now.  The doctor said that I need to carry on gaining weight to keep my strength up and to worry about it when it is all over!  Oh, I cannot wait to start exercising and shift this weight!! But that's the next challenge!

So after a successful appointment it was up to the chemo ward; it was surprisingly busy this week.  We had a long weight, helped by our usual yummy M&S lunch!  We finally went in at about 2ish and I was over the moon that there were no seats left so I got the bed!! A lovely 2 hour nap was ahead of me, just what I needed.  Poor Mum having to watch me all cosy and dozing sitting on her uncomfortable chair; she deserves a medal :)

The two hours went quickly for me thankfully; time for a quick flush of the line and we were ready for the off!  As I am sure you all know this is my favourite part of the day; picking up my gorgeous Alexa and she was full of smiles and cuddles.

So another round is over and I am so close to the finish line now; it has been a hard slog but knowing that I am nearly there is keeping me going. 

Much Love Cx

So very proud x

Jess with all her lovely ladies

This weekend by beautiful friend Jess ran the Race for Life surrounded by lots of ladies who have supported her through her recent journey.  Jess is the daughter-in-law of a very close family friend; in fact I wouldn't call my Auntie Susan, her daughter Tamsin, her son and Jess' husband Jay, Jess and their gorgeous daughter Olivia friends, they are most definitely family.  Jess has been on a roller coaster ride which started with her diagnosis of breast cancer about a year ago.  Jess had a 7 month old at the time and her diagnosis was devastating for me and my family, let alone for her and her family and friends.  Having had Alexa just 2 months after her daughter was born, I could immediately feel how terrified Jess must have felt.

Jess has battled her cancer with such dignity and beauty; she has been an inspiration to me through my battle.  It does help to have someone who knows exactly how you are feeling so close to you, and although I haven't felt well enough to see Jess as often as I would like to have during my treatment, I know that I will definitely make up for this once it is all over!!

My Mum and Auntie Susan are the best of friends; we don't live that close to each other so see each other as often as we can.  Mum and Susan are so close that they will often turn up in very similar outfits or will buy (or lust after) the same decor from Laura Ashley!  So it was so lovely they were going to become grandmothers for the first time so close together.  So you can imagine how devastating it was that they were supporting both Jess and myself through cancer; although I did joke that this was an extreme version of doing everything the same!!

Jess has had wonderful support through her journey and this was evident when looking at the photos from the Race for Life; she was surrounded by these wonderfully supportive friends and family and between them all they raised over a £1000 for cancer Research UK.  I know that Jess really enjoyed her day and was touched by the back signs, bringing home just how many people are touched by cancer.

Beth, Tamsin, Jess and Laura - friends for years x

Well done to you all xx

So well done to Jess and all her lovely jubliees; you did amazingly well and as always we are so very proud of you all!

Much Love Cx

A new healthy lifestyle

As I think I have already said, the thought of coming to the end of chemotherapy does fill me with some fear.  I find comfort in knowing that the chemotherapy drugs are doing their job in killing off any cancer cells that there may be in my body; once this ends it is all up to me.  The thought of cancer returning terrifies me so I want to make sure I have all the weapons I need to ensure that it has no hope of returning.  My weapons of choice will be a healthy diet, a positive attitude, looking after my wellbeing and exercise.

I have purchased two books to help me on this second phase of my journey.  The first book is "The Cancer Journey: Positive steps to help yourself heal" by Dr Pam Evans, Polly Noble and Nicholas Hull-Malham.  I first heard about this book when I was initially diagnosed and I was reading a magazine in the hairdressers.  At that time I felt like I was surrounded by cancer; adverts, TV programs, magazine articles, etc. so when I first saw a headline about a young girl battling cancer I turned the page.  But before I left I decided to face it and read the article; I am pleased I did.  It was the story of Polly Noble, who is a close friend of Katherine Jenkins.  She initially had cervical cancer at 24 and was treated with surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.  She then became really interested in health and nutrition and how this holistic approach can help recovery.  Five years later she was diagnosed with cancer again, this time she had tumours in numerous organs and was told it was inoperable.  She decided to apply her holistic approach this time rather than have chemotherapy, and some of her tumours have reduced in size.

I have started to read this book and have so far found it really useful.  It charts how various stages of the journey can affect you, from initial diagnosis to the all clear, and it has lots of advice and theory about how diet and lifestyle can make a difference, both during and after treatment.  I have not read it in great detail as I am finding it a bit overwhelming, but dipping in and out of it has proved helpful so far. 

The second book I have been reading is "Foods to Fight Cancer" by Professor Richard Beliveau and Dr Denis Gingras.  This book does exactly what it says on the tin; it is an easy to use reference style book, which again is really good to dip in and out of.  The main information in the book is a list of foods that can be helpful for cancer patients (and people who wish to live a healthy lifestyle) and then the theory as to why these are helpful.  Here is a list of the foods that can help in the cancer fight;

• vegetables from the cabbage family, such as cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, spring greens and curly kale,
• vegetables from the garlic and onion family, such as garlic, onions, leeks, shallots and chives
• soya and products derived from soya, such as soya bean (endamame), miso, soy sauce, dry roasted soya beans, tofu and soya milk
• turmeric and its principle active ingredient curcumin
• green tea
• berries, such as raspberries, strawberries, blueberry and cranberry
• foods high in Omega-3, such as fresh walnuts, walnut oil, rapeseed oil, soya beans, tofu and fatty fish
• tomatoes
• citrus fruits, such as oranges, grapefruits, lemons and mandarins
• red wine (moderate consumption!!)
• and good-quality dark chocolate which is over 70% cocoa.

The book details all of the scientific reasons behind why these foods are good for fighting cancer, but I must admit I haven't yet read it in that much detail!  I feel the foods that are suggested are easy to put in a healthy diet and lifestyle and I am lucky in that I like everything on the list.

I would definitely recommend both these books to anyone who has cancer or is looking after someone with cancer.  They have helped me to begin to make positive choices and trying the ensure that I fill my body with foods that cancer hates!!  I hope this post has been helpful and as I read the books in more detail I will share my new knowledge.

Much Love Cx

Are cancer awareness campaigns helpful?

Whilst looking through tweets this week, I noticed one tweet from Beating Bowel Cancer talking about an article in the Daily Mail this week where a doctor questioned the usefulness of cancer awareness campaigns.  I have never been a fan of the Daily Mail; or the "Fascist Today" as my Uncle recently called it!! But I must admit that they do have a very good health section, so I checked out the article.

The headline of the article is "Campaigns like this don't save lives - they just clog my surgery with people scared witless" and it reflects the opinions of Dr Tony Copperfield.  He is referring to the new Lung Cancer awareness campaign, where people are advised to get a cough checked out if it has been present for more than 3 weeks.  He also refers to the Bowel Cancer Awareness campaign where he commented that "at first I was puzzled why so many of my patients were coming to see me complaining only of diarrhoea. I couldn’t work out why my usually sensible patients were all so obsessed with their bowel movements".  He then goes on to blame the campaign on a busy surgery who were scared witless about their symptoms.

This part of the article made me very cross indeed! I was diagnosed before the awareness campaign started and to be honest if my GP was more aware that a 32 year old who presents all of the symptoms of bowel cancer might actually have bowel cancer then I would not have 'clogged' up my surgery, the out of hours doctors service or blocked a bed in hospital for 4 days.  As I have already said it took me 5 visits to the doctors before I was referred for an initial ultrasound which found inflammation in my bowel.  I am also very aware that my story is far from unusual; I have been in touch with quite a large number of young people who are suffering from bowel cancer.  The bowel cancer campaign was very comprehensive with their signs and symptoms of bowel cancer; and what is also useful is that these can also be symptoms of other bowel conditions.  I believe that having a 'clogged up' surgery is a small price to pay for potentially saving lives.

I do however agree with some of what he says about the lung cancer campaign; the campaigns main message is that if you have a cough for more than 3 weeks then you should get it checked out.  This isn't a comprehensive list of symptoms, as Dr Copperfield writes "GPs are trained to put symptoms in context. The likelihood that you have lung cancer, for example, doesn’t just depend on whether you have a cough but on whether there’s an obvious alternative explanation like a virus infection, as well as your age (lung cancer is most common in people between 75 and 79), and — very important — whether you smoke or have ever smoked. But this type of campaign ignores the context. The result is a simplistic message which might make a snappy headline — but which will worry a lot of people."

So, as far as I am concerned a "good" campaign with a comprehensive list of possible symptoms is useful; I know personally of people who have been encouraged by the bowel cancer awareness campaign to get checked out.  Luckily none of those have been diagnosed with cancer, but they have been found to have polyps or inflammation, which have been treated.

You can read more here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2154687/Campaigns-like-dont-save-lives--just-clog-surgery-people-scared-witless.html#ixzz1xHcpGMR3

Much Love Cx

Thank you x

I now have had 10300 views of my blog!! That is amazing - although my Mum has said that she probably accounts for half of all those views!!  When I started this blog all i wanted to do is show other people that there is a future after cancer, keep my family and friends up to date and to use it as a therapeutic tool.  The feedback I have had has been amazing - people that I have never met contact me on Twitter to say thank you and to say that I am an inspiration *blushes*; I have been truly overwhelmed by the response.  I just see myself as someone who has been dealt some bad luck and I have dealt with it the only way I know how.

So thank you to everyone for your support and feedback; it means loads to know that I have touched so many people.

Much Love Cx

I cant wait to....

... wake up and not have cancer as my first thought
... be able to dye my hair!
... get all dressed up and dance all night - preferably to some old school garage!
... feel like 'me' again
... have the energy to be a better Mummy
... be able to wash my hair and not see loads of it in the bath tub
... have my independence back
... treat my family and friends to say thank you for their amazing support
... have dinner date nights with my besties
... start yoga again
... put my earphones in and go for a long run
... move back to my flat with my girlie
... get back to work with my lovely colleagues and my gorgeous kiddies
... have enough hair to have my fringe cut in again
... loose some steroid weight!!
... not have to worry about making sure my Hickman line is not visible
... have my 'normal' life back
... drink a yummy cocktail
... put my new healthy lifestyle into practise
... for the doctors to tell me that I have the all clear
... have lots of discreet and meaningful tattoos
... not feel exhausted everyday
... be able to plan things in advance
... not need to find a parking space at the Royal Berks!
... have only the 'normal' stresses of life to worry about
... not be a worry to my family and friends
... grow my hair back really long
... have clear skin again
... not have the side affects of chemotherapy
... not have to remember to take my chemo tablets
... say thank you to the lovely chemo nurses for looking after me
... have a relaxing holiday in the sun somewhere
... have a party to celebrate the end of my treatment
... watch my beautiful little girl grow up
... experience my healthy and exciting future.

Cx