#bittersweet

This weekend has been an emotional one.  I hope that this blog has given you the sense that I have been very positive throughout this experience, but this weekend was a big, fat reminder that cancer is stopping me from doing things that I would have done without a second's thought previously.  Its at times like this that you realise the enormity of what has happened to you; most of the time you just get on with things as you have no choice as cancer has just become part of your everyday life.  But this weekend has made me reflect on the things I have missed out on and the memories that could have been made.

It was my best friend Lucy P's birthday; I have never missed a get together for her birthday in the 11 years that I have known.  I knew that all my favourite girls were going and would be getting all glammed up ready for a party.  I had been so determined that I was going to go, but when it came to it I knew that it would be an impossibility; firstly I was having an odd side effect of really swollen lips.  I looked like an Essex girl gone wrong!! And the exhaustion is just too much; I'm like a 5 year old with an 8 o'clock bedtime!  So I spent Saturday night asleep on the sofa being babysat by my lovely little sister Lucy whilst all my favourites were dancing the night away celebrating Lucy P's birthday.

And Sunday wasn't much better; it was Alexa's first Water Babies swimming lesson.  I had had to cancel her last block of sessions as it was around the time of my operation, so I didn't want to cancel again.  I had already made sure that either her Daddy or my Dad could go in with her as I couldn't due to the fact that I couldn't get my PICC line wet.  When I had my drama of the PICC line falling out I did think that I could go with her, but I didn't want to risk getting any infections from the water.  I was able to watch from the side, which was lovely.  Her and her Daddy loved every moment of it, even her first underwater swim!  Well it was more of a dunk but she enjoyed it regardless.  It was such a lovely experience and although it was lovely to watch her, I have to admit that I did have a little tear.  Although I know I can swim with her as often as I want in 6 months time, you can never get that 'first' swimming lesson back again.

So this weekend was very bittersweet; I was happy that Lucy P had a wonderful birthday and I loved watching Alexa being a water baby, but I just wish I could have been more involved.

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