Ding Ding! Round 6

Firstly I must apologise for neglecting my blog recently.  I have had a real emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks.  I am finding that as I am nearing the end of my chemotherapy I am becoming increasing scared about 'going it alone'.  Although chemo is not a walk in the park at all, I find comfort knowing that I have these cancer fighting drugs inside me doing their job; I worry about what will happen when I suddenly have to fight the cancer returning by myself.  I know that I will be monitored closely for the next five years, but I anxiety of not knowing why I developed the cancer is making me feel very nervous.  I am planning on a total lifestyle and diet overhaul in the hope that I will have that on my side; but I find it all very overwhelming.  I am sure that these are all very normal feeling so I am not too worried, but I wanted you all to know why I have been away for a little while!!

So, on to my sixth round of chemo!  Last time my blood results were very borderline, it was only my white blood cell count that ensured that the chemo could go ahead; this time going into chemo I felt very run down and low so I knew that I would be in a similar situation, in fact I was certain that they would have to delay my treatment for a week.  But I stayed positive and Mum and I started the day with a yummy breakfast.  I have clearly spent a lot of time in the coffee shop at the Royal Berks and I had collected enough loyalty points for a free cup of coffee, so that was a good start to the day!

We went to see the oncologist at about 10am, and as usual had a long old wait to be seen!  Once we were almost an hour late I did wonder if they had forgotten me, but was assured I was next! I do wonder how they manage to run so late as I seem to be in and out in no time!  He was happy with my improved side effects, due to the slightly reduced dosage.  As I predicted my blood tests were borderline, but my white blood cells saved the day again so we were all good to go ahead with the treatment.

So it was off to the chemo ward to wait for the chemo to be released by the pharmacy.  Mum and I waited patiently with our trashy mags and M&S lunch!  The M&S is definitely the best thing to arrive in the Royal Berks!!  I was plugged in at about 1.30 and we filled our time with more trashy mags! I have bought books to read about how your diet and lifestyle can help to fight cancer, and I bring them with me each week with the intention of reading them, but I am still feeling overwhelmed by it all.  I am sure I will finally get my head around reading them! 

The time went by quite quickly thankfully and it was time to pick up by beautiful girl from nursery.  As I am sure you have already picked up on this is my favourite part of the whole day; however bad I feel after the treatment I am always determined to go into nursery and see her face when I walk in.  Its priceless and reminds me of what my fight is all about.  She is my rock and my life and the very best thing to ever happen to me.


Well what about this beautiful weather?!? Doesn't it make everything seem so much better? You can wake up with a smile on your face, it makes you want to get up out of bed and make the most of the day.  It has also had a very positive affect on my side effects; the warmth has helped to reduce the tingling but I must admit I find it hard not being able to have an ice lolly or a cold drink; gosh that's all I am craving!!


I hope that you are all well and wish you all a wonderful week.


Much love Cx

A new found respect

I have always had a love/hate relationship with my body; wanting to be thinner, more toned or hating my spotty skin - but I have rarely thought about the inside of my body.  I am relatively healthy; I have my weaknesses (sugar, sweets and chocolate) which I have since found out that cancer loves - great!  I haven't always exercised; I was always that lucky/annoying girl who could eat whatever I liked and not exercise and still have a good(ish) body.  Although that only lasted until I was 21, now I need to work at it, although I tend to have a cycle of not working at it, hating my body and then working on it for a while before the cycle starts again!

Since my diagnosis I have viewed my body quite differently.  To begin with I felt very cross and as though my body had let me down my allowing this lodger into my body, letting it stay comfortably and feeding it enabling it to grow.  But since then I have realised that actually my body is amazing.  I don't know why I developed cancer or how long it was in there for, but I do believe that the tumour grew slowly over a number of years from a polyp in my colon.  Throughout this time my body served me well considering it had something alien begin to attack it; I was a well person who knew they had "bowel issues" but could control them well.

It is now that I look back to when I was pregnant that I realise just how amazing my body is.  By this time the tumour would have been quite big and well developed, and yet during my pregnancy I felt better than I had for years.  My body protected my beautiful girl, it fed her and allowed her to develop into the perfect baby that I have now.  My body even managed to produce the food that she had exclusively until she was 4 months old; this was against all the odds.  By the time I had given birth and was breastfeeding I was starting to become quite ill; my food was going straight through me and I was in constant pain, yet my body fed Alexa and she grew perfectly.  I even managed to go back to work full time and look after Alexa, and although my body was beginning to fail it still allowed me to do all of this; I even went through an OFSTED inspection during this time and we got outstanding!

So to my body; thank you for being so strong and fighting this cancer, we still have some of this journey to ride out together, but we will get there.  Thank you for being stronger than I ever imagined was possible. Thank you for nurturing both me and Alexa against the odds.  I promise that I will look after you and give you all the goodness that you need to carry on being so strong and amazing for the rest of our long and healthy life. Oh and I know that you are used to all the sugar but I am going to have to make you go cold turkey a little bit - please forgive me!

Much Love Cx

Ding Ding! Round 5

So, I now have less rounds left that I have had! That makes it seem like I'm on the home run!!  I prepared for round 5 on Monday evening by giving myself a lovely lilac manicure; seeing as my hands will be practically out of use for a week or so I made the most of it!  Alexa slept over at her Daddy's so I appreciated an early night; although it never quite works out like that as I miss her sleeping in the same room as me and hearing her breathing.  But I appreciated it in the morning as he dropped her to nursery so Mum and I could leave for the hospital early to have some breakfast. 

I made sure I had my special bracelet on as usual; it was given to me by my two besties, Aisha and Sharifa, for Christmas.  We decided that from the point of diagnosis I have been on my yellow brick road to recovery, so the bracelet disc with 'Dorothy' on which is a reminder of my journey.  Our other special word for this time is 'believe'; I have never lost the belief that I will survive this challenge and again my bracelet is a reminder of this.  I am going to have a tattoo of believe once my treatment is over; and a few of my friends are going to join me.  Having my bracelet always makes me feel like I have my girls with me all the way; it is very special to me.

My gorgeous bracelet from my girls Aisha and Sharifa xx

My appointment with my Oncologist was at 10.10am, and by some miracle we only had to wait for 20 minutes this week! That is some kind of a record as you can usually wait for much longer than that!  The appointment was as usual very quick, the doctor was happy with my blood tests, although my immune system was down slightly, but my white blood cell count was good so they decided not to postpone the treatment.  The doctor decided to keep the slightly reduced dosage as my side effects were much more manageable.  I also asked about how I will be monitored after the chemo and was told it would involve CT scans every 6 months for the next 5 years and regular colonoscopies.  So once we booked my next appointment in three weeks time it was up to the chemo ward.

Again, the wait wasn't too long, only 1 and a half hours; so I was plugged in at about 1pm.  I had a few trashy magazines to keep me occupied, so I am well up on all my celebrity gossip!  The two hours infusion was uneventful and the two hours went very quickly.  Once it was over the nurse had to remove the blue clip from my Hickman line; this was painless but she was very nervous as the stitches that she had to cut through were very close to the line, so she was worried she might accidentally cut a whole in the line.  But luckily she managed it well and the line is still intact!  It is far more comfortable without the clip and I feel much happier with the Hickman line.  It is easier to hide under clothing and I have had no reaction to the line at all.

Here's me taking the 'dog' for a little walk!

Here's where the line comes out of my chest without the clip - it looks sore as the stitches have just been taken out

Here is how long the Hickman Line is!

So it was time to pick up my gorgeous little Lex!  Its always the perfect way to end a strange day!  As I hadn't seen her since 5ish the day before it is always to lovely to see her big smile and running cuddles, it reminds me of the good things in life!  So off we went home with slight tingling in my fingers and toes; and I ended the evening in the best place ever, cuddled up with my special girl.

The best way to end the day xxx

Much Love Cx

Sorry for the absence...

I must apologise for neglecting my blog; I have now had over 8300 views (which is unbelievable) so I know that a lot of friends and family keep up to date with my goings on through this blog.  So I hope I haven't worried anyone by going missing for a while!  The reason I have been absent is because I had a lovely mini-break with my gorgeous family.  Mum, Dad, my sis Lucy, Alexa and I stayed in a caravan in Poole; we picked Poole as it is a nice getaway and my lovely grandparents live in Poole also.  I was hoping to have the chance to catch up with the blog, but unfortunately there was no internet! I must admit I did feel a bit lost without it!

Despite the weather we managed to make the most of it; we went to Sandbanks where Alexa loved playing in the sand, we visited a farm, went shopping, went swimming, visiting grandma and Grandad and caught up with some old friends The Norths.  We always used to holiday with the Norths, so it was lovely to see them all and it felt very reminiscent of our childhood holidays.  So all in all it was a busy and most enjoyable few days away and just what the doctor ordered.  And I am very pleased to let you all know that my Gramps is making excellent progress since his stroke; he is physically well, but he is still confusing and loosing some words.  It was so lovely to see him and give him a big kiss and cuddle.

I have been feeling really well this week; I have had minimal side effects, except the exhaustion.  I felt like a 'normal' Mum taking Alexa to the beach and the farm.  It was a really special time and one that I will cherish for years to come.

So now it's getting ready for round 5 on Tuesday.  I am making the most of the last weekend before we start the cycle all over again!  I am catching up with friends today and will be attending the official presentation and party at Reading FC; celebrating their league win and promotion to the Premiership.  I'm not a football fan, but Alexa's Daddy works at the club and I'm sure Alexa is very proud that her Daddy now works at a Premiership football club!

I hope you are all well and didn't drown in all the rain!!

Much Love Cx

War Wounds

**WARNING! Pictures of my wounds from my operation!!**

I have been debating with myself as to whether I should post pictures of my operation scars, but I have been speaking to some other people through Twitter who are about to undergo surgery and I thought that it might be useful to show how well the scars heal.  So I have made the decision to post them - I hope that you are not too squeamish, but to be honest they are not as bad as you might imagine.

I have always had a huge fear of being cut open, so this procedure forced me to face this fear head on.  My way of coping was to try and not to think about it too deeply, just go with what the health professionals say and put my trust in them.  I wasn't too worried about the size of the scar, as long as it was neat and the tumour was successfully removed.  I often look at the scars and wonder what my colon looks like inside; I know that a foot was removed so it must look strange.  But to be honest as long as it works ok then I shouldn't really worry!  I do find the body's ability to heal and mend itself just amazing; mine has been through pregnancy, the trauma of birth and then dealing with cancer and its treatment in just over a year.  Its just amazing that it is still serving me so well.

Just to remind you, I had keyhole surgery.  The large wound that goes through my belly button is where the tumour and part of the colon was taken out and there are three smaller incisions (below my belly button and either side of but below the belly button) where the rods would have gone through to perform the keyhole surgery.  So here they are.....

This was 4 days after the surgery; I cannot believe how swollen my tummy is, but then a lot had gone on under the skin.  The wounds are glued and didn't have any dressings on from when I left the operating theatre.

These are the wounds today - hardly noticeable!

i hope you didn't find them too gruesome!

Much Love Cx

What a difference a few days make x

Image from www.kushandwizdom.tumblr.com

After having such a down week last week I am feeling far more positive and like myself these past few days.  It has confirmed to me that it really must be the steroids that give me such a down feeling, so at least when the black mood returns I know that it will lift soon enough.

I had the district nurse round on Monday; she flushed my Hickman line with saline and a anti-blood clotting solution and then she took the dressings off.  In line with quite a number of Health Trusts, Berkshire like to have Hickman lines free of dressings, so I am hoping that will eliminate any reaction I could have with dressings.  It did feel weird to have no dressing and the line hangs down to my waist! Thank god I'm a girl and can tuck it into my bra, I'd be so worried it catch it and pull it if it was hanging down all the time! 

Here's my hickman line without the dressing - the blue clip is stitched in place and will be removed before my next chemo session in 2 weeks

Monday evening I felt so much more positive that I had a head-to-toe pamper with my gorgeous Dermalogica products and even gave myself a manicure!  Its weird how these little things mean so much when your life is thrown into turmoil!  I had an early night in my cosy White Company PJs and slept like a baby; until my baby woke me up!! But we had lovely cuddles so I can't complain.

My home manicure! A bit messy but not too bad!

Treated myself to some yummy pastels - cannot wait to try them out

On Tuesday my line was a bit sore and inflamed, which made me feel a bit paranoid.  So I went down to the Docs and a nurse checked it out for me; she thought it looked normal but put some Iodine and a dressing on it just to be sure.  I have had to change my Doctor's as I am staying at my parents during treatment, and I have to say that I cannot fault the amazing care that they have given me.  I have phone calls from the district nurses just to see how I am getting on and I always feel that I can pop in and see the nurses if I am worried about anything.  It really means so much to know that you have that support network behind you.

Today Mum, Alexa and I braved going to Goring to feed the ducks and have some yummy lunch.  Although it was rainy we managed to dodge the rain when feeding the ducks and the heavens opened once we were safely inside the restaurant!  It was so lovely to feel 'normal'; as you all know this is something I crave more than chocolate!!

So here's to a lovely, positive week.  I wish the same to you all.

Much Love Cx

Ding Ding! Round 4

I am now half way through chemotherapy!! YAY!

I must apologise for neglecting my blog last week; I found last week quite difficult emotionally and physically.  I have worked out that the steroids that you have for anti-sickness alongside the chemo make you feel a bit 'trippy' for the first two days, and by Thursday I start to experience a bit of a come down.  I spent nearly all of Thursday sleeping, and emotionally I have felt a bit down since.  But I am determined to have a positive week this week.

So, let's fill you in on what happened last week!  Tuesday started earlier as usual as I was having my Hickman line inserted.  As you may have already read the PICC lines which go in through my arm to my heart didn't work out for me, so rather than risk permanent damage from the chemo to the veins in my hands, it was decided that I would have a Hickman line inserted.  It essentially does the same job as the PICC; it is tunnelled under the skin from the chest to the main artery in your neck, it is then inserted through the artery into the heart.  It will (hopefully) stay in until the end of my treatment and all blood tests can be taken from the line and my chemo is administered through the line.

Here's what the Hickman line looks inside

 My Mum and I arrived at 8.30 ready for the procedure; the car park was empty so we were able to park right by the Berkshire Cancer Centre for the first time!  I had decided that I would be sedated for the procedure as I had had enough of being brave all the time, so I hadn't eaten since the previous evening.  We had been warned that it would be manic in the Cancer Ward due to the two Easter bank holidays, and it certainly was! Normally everyone has their blood tests the day before the chemo so everyone was in early to have their blood taken ready for their chemo.  Thankfully I was able to have mine taken whilst Esme inserted my line.  I felt very apprehensive about the line as I have enjoyed feeling free of lines and also it is quite intrusive, but Esme is so lovely and she made me feel relaxed.  My Mum decided not to stay and watch, and I think that was definitely a good decision as it wasn't very pleasant.  The sedation didn't really touch me much, but the area was anaesthetised so I could feel pressure but no pain.  I'm not going to lie, it was really horrible, especially the pressure of my neck as the line went in.

Here's my lovely Hickman line!

So the line was inserted and it felt very strange, limiting movement in my neck, but we went off to the X-Ray department to make sure it was in the correct position.  Luckily it was and I went down to meet my Oncologist dressed in a lovely hospital gown alongside half of my comfy tracksuit!  Very attractive!  This ran smoothly, although it is probably due to the fact that I was quite late for the appointment because of the procedure and the X-Ray.  He was happy with how I was getting on and my bloods were fine; he decided to drop the dosage of Oxiplatin by 15% and would look at maybe reducing my tablet chemo next time depending on how severe my side effects are this time.  So it was back up to the chemo ward expecting a long wait, but again it ran smoothly and I was in within an hour!  Even more luckily the ward was so busy that there were no chairs left so I was able to go into a side room with a bed; so a good two hour nap was enjoyed!  That certainly made the chemo go quicker.  Before I knew it it was time to go home.  It was then that we encountered our last challenge of the day.  Somehow we had managed to have two idiots parking so closely to either side of the car that we could not open the doors either side; I mean, really, can people be THAT stupid?!?  Luckily they had permits in them so we managed to track them down, only to be told "well you shouldn't have parked so close then!"  Ummmmm, excuse me! We were here at 8.30 with no cars in sight and parked well within the lines! He did sort of apologise when he saw the predicament we were in and realised HE was at fault.

The dropping of the dosage certainly helped with the side effects; I had a tingly nose and fingers as I left, but nothing too extreme thankfully.  The side effects have grown in intensity during the week, and it wasn't helped by the cold wind this weekend making my hands and feet totally numb!  The exhaustion has been the main side effect this week; if you left me I could sleep all day and night!  But I am holding on to the thought that I am half way through and I have come so far that I will not let it beat me!

Hope you are all well?
Much Love Cx