It has now been a little over three months since I had my last dose of chemotherapy. I cannot believe how fast that time has passed. It is just short of a year since my diagnosis; this time last year I was in constant, excruciating pain, I looked grey and very ill and I was loosing so much weight. I was also working full time, looking after my 10 month old daughter, running my home and also preparing for an OFSTED! I still cannot believe that I managed to do all of that; I remember feeling that if I sat down and stopped I would never get up again! I would keep on at an incredible pace from 6am until 10pm when I would drop into bed feeling hugely exhausted. I also still had no idea just how ill I was; but I knew in the back of my mind that something was seriously wrong.
I am really proud of how far I have come and how much I have battled to get where I am today. I am sure that I have already shared a quote that I can hugely relate to 'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have.' This is so very true; when I speak to people about my experience I am always told that they cannot believe how strong I was and how they don't think they would have reacted in the same way if it was them. But I would have said that if I was them! There was no choice but to be strong; there was no way this cancer was going to beat me and take me away from my family, friends and beautiful daughter.
I cannot say that the past three months have been easy; most of the time I am able to be 'normal'. I enjoy being a normal Mum, doing normal thing like shopping, swimming, catching up with friends, having a cheeky drink, etc. But I can also honestly say that there hasn't been a day since that I haven't thought about cancer and what I went through. I am fully aware that this has totally changed me; I will never be the same person again. I have learnt so much; who and what is important, how fragile life is and how it is the little things that matter the most. The emotions have been hitting me really hard; I try not to constantly look backwards, but I am aware that I do have a lot of feelings to work through. When I recall events from last year I feel a real sense of fear and panic; these are the emotions that I put into a little box when I was going through my operation, recovery and treatment.
I am still a long way from being 'OK' again; this is what I struggle with slightly! Because the treatment has finished and I look 'OK', lots of people think I am fine. But this is not quite true; I am still experiencing numb fingers and toes, I still get an itchy rash about every three weeks, I am still exhausted and have low energy levels and my immune system has not yet recovered. My Oncologist has said that it can take up to a year for all of these side affects to go and I am mindful that I still need to look after myself.
So I am now travelling on the second phase of this journey; this journey will last a lifetime.
Sorry for the absence.....I will update you will what has happened since my last post over the weekend.
Much Love Cx
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