Well the rollercoaster that I have been on over the past 6 or 7 months is almost over. I though that as I neared the end of the treatment then things would get easier, but I have found this to be very far from the truth! I have had a very down week so far; I think its in part due to having a bit of a cold. Although it seems silly to moan about a cold, when you have zero immune system it hits you REALLY hard. I have spent most of this week in bed dreaming of being in the random days of beautiful sunshine we have had; but I am thankful that I don't have a temperature and can rest at home instead of A&E.
As I am coming to the end of the treatment I seem to be spending a lot of time looking backwards. I think that my way of coping with all the challenges that I was given was just to get on with it; there seemed no time or positive reason to let emotions get to involved with the process of treatment and ensuring I was getting back to health. So it seems that now all of these emotions are resurfacing. I have realised that I haven't really cried much during this whole process; is this is a good thing?? I'm certainly not doing it intentionally and maybe the tears will come with the relief of the end of chemo; but we all need a good old cry at times and I am sure my time will come. I have arranged to have some counselling to talk through these suppressed emotions; it is just with the colonrectal nurses at the Royal Berks, but it is a start and I hope that it will be helpful.
I keep thinking back to the 21st November when I was diagnosed; although it seemed a blur at the time I can remember so much about it now. I remember the exact words that the specialist used and exactly how I felt when he said the word cancer; it was like I felt a physical punch to the heart. I remember thinking how bad I felt for the specialist having to tell me and how he must have been dreading my appointment all morning! I also remember vividly telling my Mum over the phone that it was cancer and how I could hear her crumble. But there were positives of that day; my best friends Aisha and Lucy were the first people I called after my Mum. I will never forget their positivity; they didn't cry or even act too shocked, they both just told me that we would get through this and that I would be fine. The positivity that they gave me from that moment has stayed with me through this whole time.
As I am looking backwards I keep coming back to the questions for which there seems to be no (definitive) answer, that is "why did I develop colon cancer?" The health professionals cannot say for sure, but I have started to look at my diet and lifestyle in the past. I was once addicted to RedBulls and I am sure that this has had a contributing factor; a lot of the cancer books that I have dipped in and out of talk about how sugar can contribute to tumour growth. At one point I was drinking two cans a day without fail; if only I knew then what I know now! My diet has never been that bad, but when I first moved out of home to go to university I did make unhealthy choices; processed, quick food, chocolate chunk shortbread from Starbucks for breakfast, etc. I do now however eat in moderation; a balance of home cooked foods and unhealthier foods too! I was always sporty as a child but as I grew up my interest dwindled and I could never find the time, so exercise has never been a huge part of my lifestyle. So maybe a combination of all these factors contributed; and if they didn't, well I'm sure I will benefit from the healthy lifestyle that I am determined to adopt once I am back on my feet.
I have never been a smoker or a huge drinker, so a part of me feels a bit hard done by and a little bit bitter that cancer chose me when SO many people make the decision to shortened their lives through smoking and drinking to excess. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching but we all know the dangers of smoking and yet people choose to put all those chemicals in their bodies and some women even choose to poison their babies when they are pregnant?!? I just don't get it?!? Atleast my grandparents generation could plead ignorance; smoking was encouraged before the sixties. Anyway, enough of me on my soap box!
I have been told many times that I have been really brave; and to be honest some of the things that I have had to go through have always been my worst fears, such as having to be cut open for my operation, so I am very proud of myself. But all I have done is what I needed to do to survive this; you don't know your true strength until you need to be strong and I must admit that I have even taken myself by surprise at times! I suppose it is the survival instinct, I had no choice. I had to get through this. But I am relived that it is coming to an end!
I apologise that this post is a bit all over the place! I think my mind is aswell at the moment!!
Much Love Cx
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