- Life is so very precious - it is amazing that you can be faced with how fragile life is by the use of one word and in one moment. Saying that you should live each day as if it your last is a bit hedonistic for me, but I do believe in making the most of every moment and being thankful for each new day.
- Don't sweat the small stuff - but sometimes it is the small stuff that matter. I have learnt not to stress about things that are out of my control or don't really matter; but equally I have learnt that being able to still experience the small things, like seeing Alexa's smile, waking up to sunshine or having a cuppa with friends and family, are incredibly precious. I am far more appreciative of everything in my life now.
- Some people will never get it - I didn't have a 'touch' of cancer, my chemotherapy wasn't a light version, I am not ok just because I haven't lost my hair and I will never be the same person again. I try to not let some people's attitudes get to me, but I am proud of the battle I have been through and don't want anyone to belittle my accomplishment.
- You find out who really cares and who will always be there for you - sometimes this can really surprise you! Sometimes the people you expect to be there for you suddenly don't know how to act or speak around you, whereas it can be the people you least expect to be there offer you unending support.
- The innocence of childhood is to be cherished - Throughout this journey I have always been able to look at my amazing daughter and feel a real sense of love and hope. She was young enough to have not been aware of the crisis going on around her; she would happily sit and read through my chemotherapy book without having a clue what it was! The innocence of childhood disappears so quickly, so cherish and encourage it whilst it is still there.
- Normality and routine is actually very important - Living with cancer is like living in a bubble; it consumes your whole life and becomes your reality. This is why I craved normality so much. I wanted to be back at work, to be able to moan about having a cold, to look 'normal' and to be a normal Mum. I appreciate all of these things so much more now.
- You have no idea how strong you are until you are tested - I even surprised myself with my strength! But there is no option, you are fighting a battle and strength will give you a fighting chance of winning.
- Listen to your body - if you think there is something not right then get it checked out - it really is that simple! Question your doctor and make sure that you are satisfied with the outcome, if not then keep going!
- Living with guilt and regret is a waste of time - If you don't think something is right then don't do it! Then you will not feel guilty or have regrets. If you do make mistakes then learn from them and don't make the same one again.
- Live in the now - yesterday is done, today is going and tomorrow is yet to come, so make the most of the moment you are in NOW.
Saturday, 6 October 2012
What I have learnt
Inevitably going through something that forces you to face your own mortality will also give you lots of lessons. I am incredibly lucky to be in a position where I am able to use these lessons in the rest of my life. Some of these things are fairly obvious, but I wanted to chart them as much for myself as for you reading.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Back to Blogging.....
It has now been a little over three months since I had my last dose of chemotherapy. I cannot believe how fast that time has passed. It is just short of a year since my diagnosis; this time last year I was in constant, excruciating pain, I looked grey and very ill and I was loosing so much weight. I was also working full time, looking after my 10 month old daughter, running my home and also preparing for an OFSTED! I still cannot believe that I managed to do all of that; I remember feeling that if I sat down and stopped I would never get up again! I would keep on at an incredible pace from 6am until 10pm when I would drop into bed feeling hugely exhausted. I also still had no idea just how ill I was; but I knew in the back of my mind that something was seriously wrong.
I am really proud of how far I have come and how much I have battled to get where I am today. I am sure that I have already shared a quote that I can hugely relate to 'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have.' This is so very true; when I speak to people about my experience I am always told that they cannot believe how strong I was and how they don't think they would have reacted in the same way if it was them. But I would have said that if I was them! There was no choice but to be strong; there was no way this cancer was going to beat me and take me away from my family, friends and beautiful daughter.
I cannot say that the past three months have been easy; most of the time I am able to be 'normal'. I enjoy being a normal Mum, doing normal thing like shopping, swimming, catching up with friends, having a cheeky drink, etc. But I can also honestly say that there hasn't been a day since that I haven't thought about cancer and what I went through. I am fully aware that this has totally changed me; I will never be the same person again. I have learnt so much; who and what is important, how fragile life is and how it is the little things that matter the most. The emotions have been hitting me really hard; I try not to constantly look backwards, but I am aware that I do have a lot of feelings to work through. When I recall events from last year I feel a real sense of fear and panic; these are the emotions that I put into a little box when I was going through my operation, recovery and treatment.
I am still a long way from being 'OK' again; this is what I struggle with slightly! Because the treatment has finished and I look 'OK', lots of people think I am fine. But this is not quite true; I am still experiencing numb fingers and toes, I still get an itchy rash about every three weeks, I am still exhausted and have low energy levels and my immune system has not yet recovered. My Oncologist has said that it can take up to a year for all of these side affects to go and I am mindful that I still need to look after myself.
So I am now travelling on the second phase of this journey; this journey will last a lifetime.
Sorry for the absence.....I will update you will what has happened since my last post over the weekend.
Much Love Cx
I am really proud of how far I have come and how much I have battled to get where I am today. I am sure that I have already shared a quote that I can hugely relate to 'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have.' This is so very true; when I speak to people about my experience I am always told that they cannot believe how strong I was and how they don't think they would have reacted in the same way if it was them. But I would have said that if I was them! There was no choice but to be strong; there was no way this cancer was going to beat me and take me away from my family, friends and beautiful daughter.
I cannot say that the past three months have been easy; most of the time I am able to be 'normal'. I enjoy being a normal Mum, doing normal thing like shopping, swimming, catching up with friends, having a cheeky drink, etc. But I can also honestly say that there hasn't been a day since that I haven't thought about cancer and what I went through. I am fully aware that this has totally changed me; I will never be the same person again. I have learnt so much; who and what is important, how fragile life is and how it is the little things that matter the most. The emotions have been hitting me really hard; I try not to constantly look backwards, but I am aware that I do have a lot of feelings to work through. When I recall events from last year I feel a real sense of fear and panic; these are the emotions that I put into a little box when I was going through my operation, recovery and treatment.
I am still a long way from being 'OK' again; this is what I struggle with slightly! Because the treatment has finished and I look 'OK', lots of people think I am fine. But this is not quite true; I am still experiencing numb fingers and toes, I still get an itchy rash about every three weeks, I am still exhausted and have low energy levels and my immune system has not yet recovered. My Oncologist has said that it can take up to a year for all of these side affects to go and I am mindful that I still need to look after myself.
So I am now travelling on the second phase of this journey; this journey will last a lifetime.
Sorry for the absence.....I will update you will what has happened since my last post over the weekend.
Much Love Cx
Monday, 30 July 2012
My Race for Life x
The 22nd July was a very special Sunday. It was the culmination of the past 8 months of cancer, surgery, chemotherapy and nasty side affects. I had always been determined to complete the Race for Life and raise money so that people affected by cancer can be survivors like me! I was surrounded by lots of people who are dear to me and who I love dearly. Not only those running but those cheering us all along.
I wasn't able to run the whole race, so I walked the majority of the course, but I was so proud of myself when I ran through the finish line with my gorgeous girl on my shoulders. I expected to be very emotional, but to be honest I felt really strong. I was able to see this moment as the start of the next chapter of my life; a healthy, happy future.
Thank you so much for everyone who sponsored our team, we raised around £1500 online and I'm not sure how much offline!! incredible, I am so proud of everyone who helped make the day so successful and enjoyable.
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| All my beautiful Angels xx |
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| Some of my gorgeous angels - my cousin Cheryl, Auntie Christine, my cousin Kay and Cheryl's daughter Mia x |
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| At the finish line with my gorgeous girl |
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| These were around the house as we returned from the race xx |
Much Love Cx
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Tomorrow is the day....
This time tomorrow I will be setting off from the start line at the Race for Life with my angels by my side! I feel overwhelmed that we have almost raised £1000, we are £30 away from that target, so come on, who is going to make it up to the magic figure of a grand?!?!
I am so looking forward to tomorrow, its almost like the start of my 'new life'. It is something that my Mum and I have done every year for years, so it seems apt that I am not letting cancer get in the way of me doing it again. I am sure that tomorrow will be an emotional day; the relief of the end of treatment, being surrounded by people who have been by my side through it all and just reading everyone's back signs. I am hopeful for a dry, sunny day. I have got my kit ready, lots of pink accessories and my mind is the right place to get to the end of the race (not sure my body is ready though!).
So if you would like to donate just a small amount towards our amazing total then you can click on the link to the right or here.
Thank you all so much for your support and I look forward to telling you all about how tomorrow goes.
Much Love Cx
I am so looking forward to tomorrow, its almost like the start of my 'new life'. It is something that my Mum and I have done every year for years, so it seems apt that I am not letting cancer get in the way of me doing it again. I am sure that tomorrow will be an emotional day; the relief of the end of treatment, being surrounded by people who have been by my side through it all and just reading everyone's back signs. I am hopeful for a dry, sunny day. I have got my kit ready, lots of pink accessories and my mind is the right place to get to the end of the race (not sure my body is ready though!).
So if you would like to donate just a small amount towards our amazing total then you can click on the link to the right or here.
Thank you all so much for your support and I look forward to telling you all about how tomorrow goes.
Much Love Cx
Friday, 13 July 2012
Its out!
Today I was up mega early to get to the hospital for 8.30 to have my Hickman Line removed. This is something I have been really looking forward to; although it has worked excellently and is far more discreet than the PICC line, it was a final reminder of the treatment and i wanted it OUT! I had to have a blood test on Monday to ensure that my platelet levels were improving so that they knew it would heal ok. My platelets are still relatively low but were high enough for the procedure to go ahead.
I knew that it wouldn't be a very nice procedure as there is a small cuff that lies just under the skin that the tissue adheres to, this keeps the line in place. The nurse needs to make a little cut under the skin and then release the cuff before she can pull the line out. This happens when you are awake, although you do have a local anaesthetic and can be sedated if you wish. So I was preparing myself overnight for this!
We arrived bright and early and the lovely nurse Esme took me into the room where she was going to take it out. I had decided to not be sedated as I have found that it doesn't really have much of an affect on me. She laid me down and cleaned the area and explained that she would make a small T-cut coming from the hole where the line exits my skin. She did this quickly and it was time to remove the cuff. This was the tricky bit. My body had done an excellent job of adhering to the cuff so Esme prepared herself for lots of cutting to remove it! It was a horrible sensation; I didn't feel the pain but felt the sensation of her tugging at the cuff to see if it had loosened.
As I am sure you are aware I haven't had the best history with lines, so it seemed inevitable that things would not be easy this time either. As Esme was releasing the cuff she was pulling the line out from under my skin and she got to a point where the line was out of my vein, but the cuff was still attached to my tissue. She said she had never seen this before and clearly my body is good at repairing itself. Trust me to be unusual! So I had to endure more cutting of tissue and tugging but finally it was OUT. Esme glued my incision up and I was ready to go. It was weird saying goodbye to Esme and all the nurses again, I will definitely be popping in to say hello to them quite a lot.
So another hurdle jumped on my new road to recovery, and a very welcome hurdle it was.
Much Love Cx
I knew that it wouldn't be a very nice procedure as there is a small cuff that lies just under the skin that the tissue adheres to, this keeps the line in place. The nurse needs to make a little cut under the skin and then release the cuff before she can pull the line out. This happens when you are awake, although you do have a local anaesthetic and can be sedated if you wish. So I was preparing myself overnight for this!
We arrived bright and early and the lovely nurse Esme took me into the room where she was going to take it out. I had decided to not be sedated as I have found that it doesn't really have much of an affect on me. She laid me down and cleaned the area and explained that she would make a small T-cut coming from the hole where the line exits my skin. She did this quickly and it was time to remove the cuff. This was the tricky bit. My body had done an excellent job of adhering to the cuff so Esme prepared herself for lots of cutting to remove it! It was a horrible sensation; I didn't feel the pain but felt the sensation of her tugging at the cuff to see if it had loosened.
As I am sure you are aware I haven't had the best history with lines, so it seemed inevitable that things would not be easy this time either. As Esme was releasing the cuff she was pulling the line out from under my skin and she got to a point where the line was out of my vein, but the cuff was still attached to my tissue. She said she had never seen this before and clearly my body is good at repairing itself. Trust me to be unusual! So I had to endure more cutting of tissue and tugging but finally it was OUT. Esme glued my incision up and I was ready to go. It was weird saying goodbye to Esme and all the nurses again, I will definitely be popping in to say hello to them quite a lot.
So another hurdle jumped on my new road to recovery, and a very welcome hurdle it was.
Much Love Cx
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
A little reminder
Next weekend, on Sunday 22nd July, my angel's and I will be running (or walking!) the Race For Life in Reading. I haven't done any training as I've been a bit busy battling cancer, LOL, but I am determined to get round that track in one piece! I am preparing myself for it being an emotional race this year; I always well up when I read people's back signs anyway, so God help me this year! I have a feeling it will be where my outpouring of emotion finally arrives.
So, we have done fantastically well already raising £660 online, which smashed our target of £500! And I know that we have raised money offline too. A HUGE thank you for those that have donated so generously already, it really means so much to me. If you haven't already donated then feel free to click on the link on here which will take you straight to our secure fundraising page. I know that so many people run the Race for Life so please do not worry about the amount you donate; even £1 makes a difference.
My angels are - my Mum, my sis Lucy, my good friend Naomi, her Mum Tina and her little girl Alyssya, my Auntie Christine, my cousins Cheryl and Kay, my good friend Jo, another good friend Sam and her daughter Daisy, another good friend Caroline, my close family friends Jill and Becky and the lovely Renee, whose husband works with my sister. Quite a good team we've got there!
We can do this! We can all work together to help beat cancer!
Much Love Cx
So, we have done fantastically well already raising £660 online, which smashed our target of £500! And I know that we have raised money offline too. A HUGE thank you for those that have donated so generously already, it really means so much to me. If you haven't already donated then feel free to click on the link on here which will take you straight to our secure fundraising page. I know that so many people run the Race for Life so please do not worry about the amount you donate; even £1 makes a difference.
My angels are - my Mum, my sis Lucy, my good friend Naomi, her Mum Tina and her little girl Alyssya, my Auntie Christine, my cousins Cheryl and Kay, my good friend Jo, another good friend Sam and her daughter Daisy, another good friend Caroline, my close family friends Jill and Becky and the lovely Renee, whose husband works with my sister. Quite a good team we've got there!
We can do this! We can all work together to help beat cancer!
Much Love Cx
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Hmmm.....
I have never claimed to be the most polished or attractive girl there ever was, but I do pride myself on always trying to work with what I have got to look my best. That is why I am really struggling at the moment. Throughout my treatment I tried really hard to not look like a 'cancer patient'. Whilst it may not be an important factor for everyone going through the battle I've been through, for me it was a way of holding on to a little part of myself 'before cancer'.
Its amazing how much cancer takes from you - it takes away your sense of normality, your ability to live care free, your health, your freedom, parts of your body, etc. and I feel that holding on to my appearance was one thing I was able to control. For a while at the very beginning of treatment I felt really good; I still had my long dark hair, my skin was almost doll like and my body was just as I wanted it. But the chemo has taken its toll now! I haven't been able to dye my hair so it looks very odd and I had a lot cut off to try and stop there being too many different colours and it has also thinned quite a lot now. My body is bloated and carrying too much weight due to the side affects of the chemo and also not having the energy to exercise.
My skin looks like a teenagers'; greasy and full of spots. I suppose this is my immune system being so low, but I find it SO hard to deal cope with. Your face is what people see first and although people say it looks fine I KNOW it doesn't. Maybe its a throwback to my teenage years when I suffered from acne younger than most of my peers; I used to get called SuperTed's best friend - remember his name??? .......Spotty! Thanks for that!! Acne isn't supposed to be something a 32 year old mother should have to deal with. I am so strict with my skincare routine; I have the cleanest face in the west!! But still these boils and spots are here. It affects my confidence hugely; I want to be able to celebrate the end of treatment and plan for my birthday in August but I don't want anyone to see me looking this bad!
Anyways, enough moaning already Charlotte! I do have my life and a bright future and I know that I will be able to get back to normal soon - I just need some patience (not my strong point). I so desire to be me again; I have been through a lot and is just another hurdle along the way.
Much Love (and sorry for the negativity!)
Cx
Its amazing how much cancer takes from you - it takes away your sense of normality, your ability to live care free, your health, your freedom, parts of your body, etc. and I feel that holding on to my appearance was one thing I was able to control. For a while at the very beginning of treatment I felt really good; I still had my long dark hair, my skin was almost doll like and my body was just as I wanted it. But the chemo has taken its toll now! I haven't been able to dye my hair so it looks very odd and I had a lot cut off to try and stop there being too many different colours and it has also thinned quite a lot now. My body is bloated and carrying too much weight due to the side affects of the chemo and also not having the energy to exercise.
My skin looks like a teenagers'; greasy and full of spots. I suppose this is my immune system being so low, but I find it SO hard to deal cope with. Your face is what people see first and although people say it looks fine I KNOW it doesn't. Maybe its a throwback to my teenage years when I suffered from acne younger than most of my peers; I used to get called SuperTed's best friend - remember his name??? .......Spotty! Thanks for that!! Acne isn't supposed to be something a 32 year old mother should have to deal with. I am so strict with my skincare routine; I have the cleanest face in the west!! But still these boils and spots are here. It affects my confidence hugely; I want to be able to celebrate the end of treatment and plan for my birthday in August but I don't want anyone to see me looking this bad!
Anyways, enough moaning already Charlotte! I do have my life and a bright future and I know that I will be able to get back to normal soon - I just need some patience (not my strong point). I so desire to be me again; I have been through a lot and is just another hurdle along the way.
Much Love (and sorry for the negativity!)
Cx
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
Ding! Ding! Final Round.....
.....And the winner is....ME!!
I wondered if this day would ever come; when they said I would need 6 months of Chemotherapy it seemed such a long time, but I must admit it has gone quicker than I thought it would. As I said in a previous post, I have had such mixed emotions as I got closer to this day. I even had nightmares that the Doctor would say 'No Miss Jennings, you have counted wrong, you still have three rounds left' - needless to stay that this stayed as a nightmare that did not come true!
So, how did the day go? Well, it was an early start this time; I hadn't managed to get hold of any Heparin (which is a blood thinner which the district nurse flushes my line with every Monday), so she wasn't able to flush my line or take bloods on Monday. We therefore had to arrive at the hospital for 8.30 and we needed to drop Alexa off at nursery beforehand, so it was a very early start!! We got there in plenty of time and the advantage of starting so early is the availability of parking spaces; we were spoilt for choice for once! The Nurse on the chemo ward took the blood and flushed my line fairly quickly, so it was time for coffee and a pastry and to buy the ever important gossip magazines!
This took us to 10am when I had my appointment with my specialist; predictably there was about a half hour delay, but I was pleased to see him and for him to tell me that it was definitely the final treatment, YAY!! I asked him lots of questions about beauty regimes! He must have thought I was mental; can I start the pill so my skin will clear up, can I have facials, can I have a massage, etc. I asked about the taking out of my Hickman Line; I was pleased to hear him say that he doesn't anticipate me needing any more treatment so it can come out asap. He also said I would have a scan in 6 weeks and this would be the baseline scan to which they can compare future scans to. I will be closely monitored for the next 5 years; CT scans every 6 months and a yearly colonoscopy, and then after this time I can be given the official "all clear". I left the consultants room feeling really positive about the future and slightly emotional thinking that its the last time I will be visiting clinic for a while.
So, off we go to the chemo ward! Ready for the long wait for the chemo to be released. We waited for about 2 hours or so, and had our traditional M&S lunch whilst we waited. So I finally went in just after 1pm, my bloods were fine enough for the treatment to go ahead. I managed to get the comfy reclining chair, so I could put my feet up! I was plugged in and the 2 hours started. As always the gossip magazines made the time go quickly. The Nurse who put my line in came to see me and as my platelets were low, she wanted to wait until they come back up so she knows that my blood is clotting ok. So hopefully in the next two weeks I will be able to have it out!!
I did feel emotional saying goodbye to the Nurses. They really are angels; so attentive and they make the whole experience far more comfortable that you would imagine it could be. I was given lots of hugs and well dones from the staff, and I must admit I did feel very emotional saying goodbye. I gave them a thank you card, making sure I left before they opened it!! Didn't want more tears in the ward!
So that was it! All over! I almost can't believe it :).
Thank you all for your support
Much Love Cx
I wondered if this day would ever come; when they said I would need 6 months of Chemotherapy it seemed such a long time, but I must admit it has gone quicker than I thought it would. As I said in a previous post, I have had such mixed emotions as I got closer to this day. I even had nightmares that the Doctor would say 'No Miss Jennings, you have counted wrong, you still have three rounds left' - needless to stay that this stayed as a nightmare that did not come true!
So, how did the day go? Well, it was an early start this time; I hadn't managed to get hold of any Heparin (which is a blood thinner which the district nurse flushes my line with every Monday), so she wasn't able to flush my line or take bloods on Monday. We therefore had to arrive at the hospital for 8.30 and we needed to drop Alexa off at nursery beforehand, so it was a very early start!! We got there in plenty of time and the advantage of starting so early is the availability of parking spaces; we were spoilt for choice for once! The Nurse on the chemo ward took the blood and flushed my line fairly quickly, so it was time for coffee and a pastry and to buy the ever important gossip magazines!
This took us to 10am when I had my appointment with my specialist; predictably there was about a half hour delay, but I was pleased to see him and for him to tell me that it was definitely the final treatment, YAY!! I asked him lots of questions about beauty regimes! He must have thought I was mental; can I start the pill so my skin will clear up, can I have facials, can I have a massage, etc. I asked about the taking out of my Hickman Line; I was pleased to hear him say that he doesn't anticipate me needing any more treatment so it can come out asap. He also said I would have a scan in 6 weeks and this would be the baseline scan to which they can compare future scans to. I will be closely monitored for the next 5 years; CT scans every 6 months and a yearly colonoscopy, and then after this time I can be given the official "all clear". I left the consultants room feeling really positive about the future and slightly emotional thinking that its the last time I will be visiting clinic for a while.
So, off we go to the chemo ward! Ready for the long wait for the chemo to be released. We waited for about 2 hours or so, and had our traditional M&S lunch whilst we waited. So I finally went in just after 1pm, my bloods were fine enough for the treatment to go ahead. I managed to get the comfy reclining chair, so I could put my feet up! I was plugged in and the 2 hours started. As always the gossip magazines made the time go quickly. The Nurse who put my line in came to see me and as my platelets were low, she wanted to wait until they come back up so she knows that my blood is clotting ok. So hopefully in the next two weeks I will be able to have it out!!
I did feel emotional saying goodbye to the Nurses. They really are angels; so attentive and they make the whole experience far more comfortable that you would imagine it could be. I was given lots of hugs and well dones from the staff, and I must admit I did feel very emotional saying goodbye. I gave them a thank you card, making sure I left before they opened it!! Didn't want more tears in the ward!
So that was it! All over! I almost can't believe it :).
Thank you all for your support
Much Love Cx
My wonderful family x
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| My Mummy, Alexa, my sister Lucy and me |
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| My Daddy with Alexa |
As I have said previously I think it harder for the carers looking after someone with cancer. As I am now a mum I can appreciate the love and devotion that come along with having a child; and from this understanding I can now somewhat imagine how devastating it must be to watch your precious child going through something that you can have no control or affect over. All you can do is put your faith into the medical profession and hope that they look after your precious cargo as well as you would yourself.
I am so very grateful to them - it is they who have made me the strong, courageous woman and mother that I am today. Whatever choices I made in the past they were always there to support me; be it to pick up the pieces when it all went wrong or to celebrate my successes with me.
My dad will always be my hero, my Mum will always be my role model, my sister will always be my best friend and Alexa will always by my precious baby girl.
Much Love Cx
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
I hoped it would get easier...
Well the rollercoaster that I have been on over the past 6 or 7 months is almost over. I though that as I neared the end of the treatment then things would get easier, but I have found this to be very far from the truth! I have had a very down week so far; I think its in part due to having a bit of a cold. Although it seems silly to moan about a cold, when you have zero immune system it hits you REALLY hard. I have spent most of this week in bed dreaming of being in the random days of beautiful sunshine we have had; but I am thankful that I don't have a temperature and can rest at home instead of A&E.
As I am coming to the end of the treatment I seem to be spending a lot of time looking backwards. I think that my way of coping with all the challenges that I was given was just to get on with it; there seemed no time or positive reason to let emotions get to involved with the process of treatment and ensuring I was getting back to health. So it seems that now all of these emotions are resurfacing. I have realised that I haven't really cried much during this whole process; is this is a good thing?? I'm certainly not doing it intentionally and maybe the tears will come with the relief of the end of chemo; but we all need a good old cry at times and I am sure my time will come. I have arranged to have some counselling to talk through these suppressed emotions; it is just with the colonrectal nurses at the Royal Berks, but it is a start and I hope that it will be helpful.
I keep thinking back to the 21st November when I was diagnosed; although it seemed a blur at the time I can remember so much about it now. I remember the exact words that the specialist used and exactly how I felt when he said the word cancer; it was like I felt a physical punch to the heart. I remember thinking how bad I felt for the specialist having to tell me and how he must have been dreading my appointment all morning! I also remember vividly telling my Mum over the phone that it was cancer and how I could hear her crumble. But there were positives of that day; my best friends Aisha and Lucy were the first people I called after my Mum. I will never forget their positivity; they didn't cry or even act too shocked, they both just told me that we would get through this and that I would be fine. The positivity that they gave me from that moment has stayed with me through this whole time.
As I am looking backwards I keep coming back to the questions for which there seems to be no (definitive) answer, that is "why did I develop colon cancer?" The health professionals cannot say for sure, but I have started to look at my diet and lifestyle in the past. I was once addicted to RedBulls and I am sure that this has had a contributing factor; a lot of the cancer books that I have dipped in and out of talk about how sugar can contribute to tumour growth. At one point I was drinking two cans a day without fail; if only I knew then what I know now! My diet has never been that bad, but when I first moved out of home to go to university I did make unhealthy choices; processed, quick food, chocolate chunk shortbread from Starbucks for breakfast, etc. I do now however eat in moderation; a balance of home cooked foods and unhealthier foods too! I was always sporty as a child but as I grew up my interest dwindled and I could never find the time, so exercise has never been a huge part of my lifestyle. So maybe a combination of all these factors contributed; and if they didn't, well I'm sure I will benefit from the healthy lifestyle that I am determined to adopt once I am back on my feet.
I have never been a smoker or a huge drinker, so a part of me feels a bit hard done by and a little bit bitter that cancer chose me when SO many people make the decision to shortened their lives through smoking and drinking to excess. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching but we all know the dangers of smoking and yet people choose to put all those chemicals in their bodies and some women even choose to poison their babies when they are pregnant?!? I just don't get it?!? Atleast my grandparents generation could plead ignorance; smoking was encouraged before the sixties. Anyway, enough of me on my soap box!
I have been told many times that I have been really brave; and to be honest some of the things that I have had to go through have always been my worst fears, such as having to be cut open for my operation, so I am very proud of myself. But all I have done is what I needed to do to survive this; you don't know your true strength until you need to be strong and I must admit that I have even taken myself by surprise at times! I suppose it is the survival instinct, I had no choice. I had to get through this. But I am relived that it is coming to an end!
I apologise that this post is a bit all over the place! I think my mind is aswell at the moment!!
Much Love Cx
As I am coming to the end of the treatment I seem to be spending a lot of time looking backwards. I think that my way of coping with all the challenges that I was given was just to get on with it; there seemed no time or positive reason to let emotions get to involved with the process of treatment and ensuring I was getting back to health. So it seems that now all of these emotions are resurfacing. I have realised that I haven't really cried much during this whole process; is this is a good thing?? I'm certainly not doing it intentionally and maybe the tears will come with the relief of the end of chemo; but we all need a good old cry at times and I am sure my time will come. I have arranged to have some counselling to talk through these suppressed emotions; it is just with the colonrectal nurses at the Royal Berks, but it is a start and I hope that it will be helpful.
I keep thinking back to the 21st November when I was diagnosed; although it seemed a blur at the time I can remember so much about it now. I remember the exact words that the specialist used and exactly how I felt when he said the word cancer; it was like I felt a physical punch to the heart. I remember thinking how bad I felt for the specialist having to tell me and how he must have been dreading my appointment all morning! I also remember vividly telling my Mum over the phone that it was cancer and how I could hear her crumble. But there were positives of that day; my best friends Aisha and Lucy were the first people I called after my Mum. I will never forget their positivity; they didn't cry or even act too shocked, they both just told me that we would get through this and that I would be fine. The positivity that they gave me from that moment has stayed with me through this whole time.
As I am looking backwards I keep coming back to the questions for which there seems to be no (definitive) answer, that is "why did I develop colon cancer?" The health professionals cannot say for sure, but I have started to look at my diet and lifestyle in the past. I was once addicted to RedBulls and I am sure that this has had a contributing factor; a lot of the cancer books that I have dipped in and out of talk about how sugar can contribute to tumour growth. At one point I was drinking two cans a day without fail; if only I knew then what I know now! My diet has never been that bad, but when I first moved out of home to go to university I did make unhealthy choices; processed, quick food, chocolate chunk shortbread from Starbucks for breakfast, etc. I do now however eat in moderation; a balance of home cooked foods and unhealthier foods too! I was always sporty as a child but as I grew up my interest dwindled and I could never find the time, so exercise has never been a huge part of my lifestyle. So maybe a combination of all these factors contributed; and if they didn't, well I'm sure I will benefit from the healthy lifestyle that I am determined to adopt once I am back on my feet.
I have never been a smoker or a huge drinker, so a part of me feels a bit hard done by and a little bit bitter that cancer chose me when SO many people make the decision to shortened their lives through smoking and drinking to excess. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching but we all know the dangers of smoking and yet people choose to put all those chemicals in their bodies and some women even choose to poison their babies when they are pregnant?!? I just don't get it?!? Atleast my grandparents generation could plead ignorance; smoking was encouraged before the sixties. Anyway, enough of me on my soap box!
I have been told many times that I have been really brave; and to be honest some of the things that I have had to go through have always been my worst fears, such as having to be cut open for my operation, so I am very proud of myself. But all I have done is what I needed to do to survive this; you don't know your true strength until you need to be strong and I must admit that I have even taken myself by surprise at times! I suppose it is the survival instinct, I had no choice. I had to get through this. But I am relived that it is coming to an end!
I apologise that this post is a bit all over the place! I think my mind is aswell at the moment!!
Much Love Cx
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Ding! Ding! Round 7!
I can now officially say that I have only one round left of chemo!! YAY!! I can't believe how quickly it has gone, although in some ways its hard to remember life before cancer!!
Well Mum and I seem to have got into a bit of a routine on chemo days now; early start and breakfast at the hospital. Whilst Mum makes a healthy choice in M&S, berries and yogurt, I tend to choose a pastry from the cafe! I definitely need to sort out my healthy diet!! But hey, I'm banking on the chemo doing its job for the time being, I can sort out my healthy diet once its all over!
So we went to the appointment with the oncologist and went in in record time this week! Didn't have to wait for more than half an hour this time. The doctor was again pleased with my blood results, although again my levels were low they were just about high enough to go ahead with the treatment. I had a few questions for the doctor this time, the first was to arrange some counselling. There was a lovely nurse present during the appointment and she took on organising this for me; she is sending me some dates for one-to-one counselling at the hospital and also look at the possibility of going to group counselling sessions. This has definitely put my mind at rest to know that this can go ahead and I can start to get my head around what has happened in the past few months.
I also asked about my diet; as mentioned before I have been researching healthy food and lifestyle choices to help prevent the return of cancer, my problem is that as I suffered from bowel cancer I am still finding it hard to digest lots of the healthy foods. I find fruit and vegetables hard to digest, particularly when they are raw. The doctor suggested that I keep a food diary and work out what is good for me and what is not. I am also worried about my weight gain; I suppose its not having the energy to exercise and also being able to eat more now. The doctor said that I need to carry on gaining weight to keep my strength up and to worry about it when it is all over! Oh, I cannot wait to start exercising and shift this weight!! But that's the next challenge!
So after a successful appointment it was up to the chemo ward; it was surprisingly busy this week. We had a long weight, helped by our usual yummy M&S lunch! We finally went in at about 2ish and I was over the moon that there were no seats left so I got the bed!! A lovely 2 hour nap was ahead of me, just what I needed. Poor Mum having to watch me all cosy and dozing sitting on her uncomfortable chair; she deserves a medal :)
The two hours went quickly for me thankfully; time for a quick flush of the line and we were ready for the off! As I am sure you all know this is my favourite part of the day; picking up my gorgeous Alexa and she was full of smiles and cuddles.
So another round is over and I am so close to the finish line now; it has been a hard slog but knowing that I am nearly there is keeping me going.
Much Love Cx
Well Mum and I seem to have got into a bit of a routine on chemo days now; early start and breakfast at the hospital. Whilst Mum makes a healthy choice in M&S, berries and yogurt, I tend to choose a pastry from the cafe! I definitely need to sort out my healthy diet!! But hey, I'm banking on the chemo doing its job for the time being, I can sort out my healthy diet once its all over!
So we went to the appointment with the oncologist and went in in record time this week! Didn't have to wait for more than half an hour this time. The doctor was again pleased with my blood results, although again my levels were low they were just about high enough to go ahead with the treatment. I had a few questions for the doctor this time, the first was to arrange some counselling. There was a lovely nurse present during the appointment and she took on organising this for me; she is sending me some dates for one-to-one counselling at the hospital and also look at the possibility of going to group counselling sessions. This has definitely put my mind at rest to know that this can go ahead and I can start to get my head around what has happened in the past few months.
I also asked about my diet; as mentioned before I have been researching healthy food and lifestyle choices to help prevent the return of cancer, my problem is that as I suffered from bowel cancer I am still finding it hard to digest lots of the healthy foods. I find fruit and vegetables hard to digest, particularly when they are raw. The doctor suggested that I keep a food diary and work out what is good for me and what is not. I am also worried about my weight gain; I suppose its not having the energy to exercise and also being able to eat more now. The doctor said that I need to carry on gaining weight to keep my strength up and to worry about it when it is all over! Oh, I cannot wait to start exercising and shift this weight!! But that's the next challenge!
So after a successful appointment it was up to the chemo ward; it was surprisingly busy this week. We had a long weight, helped by our usual yummy M&S lunch! We finally went in at about 2ish and I was over the moon that there were no seats left so I got the bed!! A lovely 2 hour nap was ahead of me, just what I needed. Poor Mum having to watch me all cosy and dozing sitting on her uncomfortable chair; she deserves a medal :)
The two hours went quickly for me thankfully; time for a quick flush of the line and we were ready for the off! As I am sure you all know this is my favourite part of the day; picking up my gorgeous Alexa and she was full of smiles and cuddles.
So another round is over and I am so close to the finish line now; it has been a hard slog but knowing that I am nearly there is keeping me going.
Much Love Cx
Monday, 11 June 2012
So very proud x
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| Jess with all her lovely ladies |
Jess has battled her cancer with such dignity and beauty; she has been an inspiration to me through my battle. It does help to have someone who knows exactly how you are feeling so close to you, and although I haven't felt well enough to see Jess as often as I would like to have during my treatment, I know that I will definitely make up for this once it is all over!!
My Mum and Auntie Susan are the best of friends; we don't live that close to each other so see each other as often as we can. Mum and Susan are so close that they will often turn up in very similar outfits or will buy (or lust after) the same decor from Laura Ashley! So it was so lovely they were going to become grandmothers for the first time so close together. So you can imagine how devastating it was that they were supporting both Jess and myself through cancer; although I did joke that this was an extreme version of doing everything the same!!
Jess has had wonderful support through her journey and this was evident when looking at the photos from the Race for Life; she was surrounded by these wonderfully supportive friends and family and between them all they raised over a £1000 for cancer Research UK. I know that Jess really enjoyed her day and was touched by the back signs, bringing home just how many people are touched by cancer.
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| Beth, Tamsin, Jess and Laura - friends for years x |
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| Well done to you all xx |
Much Love Cx
Sunday, 10 June 2012
A new healthy lifestyle
As I think I have already said, the thought of coming to the end of chemotherapy does fill me with some fear. I find comfort in knowing that the chemotherapy drugs are doing their job in killing off any cancer cells that there may be in my body; once this ends it is all up to me. The thought of cancer returning terrifies me so I want to make sure I have all the weapons I need to ensure that it has no hope of returning. My weapons of choice will be a healthy diet, a positive attitude, looking after my wellbeing and exercise.
I have purchased two books to help me on this second phase of my journey. The first book is "The Cancer Journey: Positive steps to help yourself heal" by Dr Pam Evans, Polly Noble and Nicholas Hull-Malham. I first heard about this book when I was initially diagnosed and I was reading a magazine in the hairdressers. At that time I felt like I was surrounded by cancer; adverts, TV programs, magazine articles, etc. so when I first saw a headline about a young girl battling cancer I turned the page. But before I left I decided to face it and read the article; I am pleased I did. It was the story of Polly Noble, who is a close friend of Katherine Jenkins. She initially had cervical cancer at 24 and was treated with surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She then became really interested in health and nutrition and how this holistic approach can help recovery. Five years later she was diagnosed with cancer again, this time she had tumours in numerous organs and was told it was inoperable. She decided to apply her holistic approach this time rather than have chemotherapy, and some of her tumours have reduced in size.
I have started to read this book and have so far found it really useful. It charts how various stages of the journey can affect you, from initial diagnosis to the all clear, and it has lots of advice and theory about how diet and lifestyle can make a difference, both during and after treatment. I have not read it in great detail as I am finding it a bit overwhelming, but dipping in and out of it has proved helpful so far.
The second book I have been reading is "Foods to Fight Cancer" by Professor Richard Beliveau and Dr Denis Gingras. This book does exactly what it says on the tin; it is an easy to use reference style book, which again is really good to dip in and out of. The main information in the book is a list of foods that can be helpful for cancer patients (and people who wish to live a healthy lifestyle) and then the theory as to why these are helpful. Here is a list of the foods that can help in the cancer fight;
I have purchased two books to help me on this second phase of my journey. The first book is "The Cancer Journey: Positive steps to help yourself heal" by Dr Pam Evans, Polly Noble and Nicholas Hull-Malham. I first heard about this book when I was initially diagnosed and I was reading a magazine in the hairdressers. At that time I felt like I was surrounded by cancer; adverts, TV programs, magazine articles, etc. so when I first saw a headline about a young girl battling cancer I turned the page. But before I left I decided to face it and read the article; I am pleased I did. It was the story of Polly Noble, who is a close friend of Katherine Jenkins. She initially had cervical cancer at 24 and was treated with surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She then became really interested in health and nutrition and how this holistic approach can help recovery. Five years later she was diagnosed with cancer again, this time she had tumours in numerous organs and was told it was inoperable. She decided to apply her holistic approach this time rather than have chemotherapy, and some of her tumours have reduced in size.
I have started to read this book and have so far found it really useful. It charts how various stages of the journey can affect you, from initial diagnosis to the all clear, and it has lots of advice and theory about how diet and lifestyle can make a difference, both during and after treatment. I have not read it in great detail as I am finding it a bit overwhelming, but dipping in and out of it has proved helpful so far.
The second book I have been reading is "Foods to Fight Cancer" by Professor Richard Beliveau and Dr Denis Gingras. This book does exactly what it says on the tin; it is an easy to use reference style book, which again is really good to dip in and out of. The main information in the book is a list of foods that can be helpful for cancer patients (and people who wish to live a healthy lifestyle) and then the theory as to why these are helpful. Here is a list of the foods that can help in the cancer fight;
- vegetables from the cabbage family, such as cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, spring greens and curly kale,
- vegetables from the garlic and onion family, such as garlic, onions, leeks, shallots and chives
- soya and products derived from soya, such as soya bean (endamame), miso, soy sauce, dry roasted soya beans, tofu and soya milk
- turmeric and its principle active ingredient curcumin
- green tea
- berries, such as raspberries, strawberries, blueberry and cranberry
- foods high in Omega-3, such as fresh walnuts, walnut oil, rapeseed oil, soya beans, tofu and fatty fish
- tomatoes
- citrus fruits, such as oranges, grapefruits, lemons and mandarins
- red wine (moderate consumption!!)
- and good-quality dark chocolate which is over 70% cocoa.
The book details all of the scientific reasons behind why these foods are good for fighting cancer, but I must admit I haven't yet read it in that much detail! I feel the foods that are suggested are easy to put in a healthy diet and lifestyle and I am lucky in that I like everything on the list.
I would definitely recommend both these books to anyone who has cancer or is looking after someone with cancer. They have helped me to begin to make positive choices and trying the ensure that I fill my body with foods that cancer hates!! I hope this post has been helpful and as I read the books in more detail I will share my new knowledge.
Much Love Cx
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Are cancer awareness campaigns helpful?
Whilst looking through tweets this week, I noticed one tweet from Beating Bowel Cancer talking about an article in the Daily Mail this week where a doctor questioned the usefulness of cancer awareness campaigns. I have never been a fan of the Daily Mail; or the "Fascist Today" as my Uncle recently called it!! But I must admit that they do have a very good health section, so I checked out the article.
The headline of the article is "Campaigns like this don't save lives - they just clog my surgery with people scared witless" and it reflects the opinions of Dr Tony Copperfield. He is referring to the new Lung Cancer awareness campaign, where people are advised to get a cough checked out if it has been present for more than 3 weeks. He also refers to the Bowel Cancer Awareness campaign where he commented that "at first I was puzzled why so many of my patients were coming to see me complaining only of diarrhoea. I couldn’t work out why my usually sensible patients were all so obsessed with their bowel movements". He then goes on to blame the campaign on a busy surgery who were scared witless about their symptoms.
This part of the article made me very cross indeed! I was diagnosed before the awareness campaign started and to be honest if my GP was more aware that a 32 year old who presents all of the symptoms of bowel cancer might actually have bowel cancer then I would not have 'clogged' up my surgery, the out of hours doctors service or blocked a bed in hospital for 4 days. As I have already said it took me 5 visits to the doctors before I was referred for an initial ultrasound which found inflammation in my bowel. I am also very aware that my story is far from unusual; I have been in touch with quite a large number of young people who are suffering from bowel cancer. The bowel cancer campaign was very comprehensive with their signs and symptoms of bowel cancer; and what is also useful is that these can also be symptoms of other bowel conditions. I believe that having a 'clogged up' surgery is a small price to pay for potentially saving lives.
I do however agree with some of what he says about the lung cancer campaign; the campaigns main message is that if you have a cough for more than 3 weeks then you should get it checked out. This isn't a comprehensive list of symptoms, as Dr Copperfield writes "GPs are trained to put symptoms in context. The likelihood that you have lung cancer, for example, doesn’t just depend on whether you have a cough but on whether there’s an obvious alternative explanation like a virus infection, as well as your age (lung cancer is most common in people between 75 and 79), and — very important — whether you smoke or have ever smoked. But this type of campaign ignores the context. The result is a simplistic message which might make a snappy headline — but which will worry a lot of people."
So, as far as I am concerned a "good" campaign with a comprehensive list of possible symptoms is useful; I know personally of people who have been encouraged by the bowel cancer awareness campaign to get checked out. Luckily none of those have been diagnosed with cancer, but they have been found to have polyps or inflammation, which have been treated.
You can read more here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2154687/Campaigns-like-dont-save-lives--just-clog-surgery-people-scared-witless.html#ixzz1xHcpGMR3
Much Love Cx
The headline of the article is "Campaigns like this don't save lives - they just clog my surgery with people scared witless" and it reflects the opinions of Dr Tony Copperfield. He is referring to the new Lung Cancer awareness campaign, where people are advised to get a cough checked out if it has been present for more than 3 weeks. He also refers to the Bowel Cancer Awareness campaign where he commented that "at first I was puzzled why so many of my patients were coming to see me complaining only of diarrhoea. I couldn’t work out why my usually sensible patients were all so obsessed with their bowel movements". He then goes on to blame the campaign on a busy surgery who were scared witless about their symptoms.
This part of the article made me very cross indeed! I was diagnosed before the awareness campaign started and to be honest if my GP was more aware that a 32 year old who presents all of the symptoms of bowel cancer might actually have bowel cancer then I would not have 'clogged' up my surgery, the out of hours doctors service or blocked a bed in hospital for 4 days. As I have already said it took me 5 visits to the doctors before I was referred for an initial ultrasound which found inflammation in my bowel. I am also very aware that my story is far from unusual; I have been in touch with quite a large number of young people who are suffering from bowel cancer. The bowel cancer campaign was very comprehensive with their signs and symptoms of bowel cancer; and what is also useful is that these can also be symptoms of other bowel conditions. I believe that having a 'clogged up' surgery is a small price to pay for potentially saving lives.
I do however agree with some of what he says about the lung cancer campaign; the campaigns main message is that if you have a cough for more than 3 weeks then you should get it checked out. This isn't a comprehensive list of symptoms, as Dr Copperfield writes "GPs are trained to put symptoms in context. The likelihood that you have lung cancer, for example, doesn’t just depend on whether you have a cough but on whether there’s an obvious alternative explanation like a virus infection, as well as your age (lung cancer is most common in people between 75 and 79), and — very important — whether you smoke or have ever smoked. But this type of campaign ignores the context. The result is a simplistic message which might make a snappy headline — but which will worry a lot of people."
So, as far as I am concerned a "good" campaign with a comprehensive list of possible symptoms is useful; I know personally of people who have been encouraged by the bowel cancer awareness campaign to get checked out. Luckily none of those have been diagnosed with cancer, but they have been found to have polyps or inflammation, which have been treated.
You can read more here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2154687/Campaigns-like-dont-save-lives--just-clog-surgery-people-scared-witless.html#ixzz1xHcpGMR3
Much Love Cx
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Thank you x
I now have had 10300 views of my blog!! That is amazing - although my Mum has said that she probably accounts for half of all those views!! When I started this blog all i wanted to do is show other people that there is a future after cancer, keep my family and friends up to date and to use it as a therapeutic tool. The feedback I have had has been amazing - people that I have never met contact me on Twitter to say thank you and to say that I am an inspiration *blushes*; I have been truly overwhelmed by the response. I just see myself as someone who has been dealt some bad luck and I have dealt with it the only way I know how.
So thank you to everyone for your support and feedback; it means loads to know that I have touched so many people.
Much Love Cx
So thank you to everyone for your support and feedback; it means loads to know that I have touched so many people.
Much Love Cx
I cant wait to....
... wake up and not have cancer as my first thought
... be able to dye my hair!
... get all dressed up and dance all night - preferably to some old school garage!
... feel like 'me' again
... have the energy to be a better Mummy
... be able to wash my hair and not see loads of it in the bath tub
... have my independence back
... treat my family and friends to say thank you for their amazing support
... have dinner date nights with my besties
... start yoga again
... put my earphones in and go for a long run
... move back to my flat with my girlie
... get back to work with my lovely colleagues and my gorgeous kiddies
... have enough hair to have my fringe cut in again
... loose some steroid weight!!
... not have to worry about making sure my Hickman line is not visible
... have my 'normal' life back
... drink a yummy cocktail
... put my new healthy lifestyle into practise
... for the doctors to tell me that I have the all clear
... have lots of discreet and meaningful tattoos
... not feel exhausted everyday
... be able to plan things in advance
... not need to find a parking space at the Royal Berks!
... have only the 'normal' stresses of life to worry about
... not be a worry to my family and friends
... grow my hair back really long
... have clear skin again
... not have the side affects of chemotherapy
... not have to remember to take my chemo tablets
... say thank you to the lovely chemo nurses for looking after me
... have a relaxing holiday in the sun somewhere
... have a party to celebrate the end of my treatment
... watch my beautiful little girl grow up
... experience my healthy and exciting future.
Cx
... be able to dye my hair!
... get all dressed up and dance all night - preferably to some old school garage!
... feel like 'me' again
... have the energy to be a better Mummy
... be able to wash my hair and not see loads of it in the bath tub
... have my independence back
... treat my family and friends to say thank you for their amazing support
... have dinner date nights with my besties
... start yoga again
... put my earphones in and go for a long run
... move back to my flat with my girlie
... get back to work with my lovely colleagues and my gorgeous kiddies
... have enough hair to have my fringe cut in again
... loose some steroid weight!!
... not have to worry about making sure my Hickman line is not visible
... have my 'normal' life back
... drink a yummy cocktail
... put my new healthy lifestyle into practise
... for the doctors to tell me that I have the all clear
... have lots of discreet and meaningful tattoos
... not feel exhausted everyday
... be able to plan things in advance
... not need to find a parking space at the Royal Berks!
... have only the 'normal' stresses of life to worry about
... not be a worry to my family and friends
... grow my hair back really long
... have clear skin again
... not have the side affects of chemotherapy
... not have to remember to take my chemo tablets
... say thank you to the lovely chemo nurses for looking after me
... have a relaxing holiday in the sun somewhere
... have a party to celebrate the end of my treatment
... watch my beautiful little girl grow up
... experience my healthy and exciting future.
Cx
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Race for Life
As I have already said I will be running the Race for Life in Reading this year. It takes place on 22nd July in Prospect Park. My Mum and I have ran the Race for Life for many years, but this year it will be so relevant and definitely emotional. I am due to have my final chemo session in the first week of July, so this has been my goal for the end of my treatment and I am determined to get round the course; I may not be able to run it all but I know that I will get to the finish line.
I am running the Race for Life firstly for myself; not in an egotistical way, but in an appreciative way. I am so grateful for the work that Cancer Research UK does; it has ensured that survival rates for cancer have improved so much that it now not the death sentence that it once was. I am running to say thank you to the amazing nurses, surgeons, consultants, doctors and staff at the Royal Berkshire Hospital who have looked after me amazingly through this journey so far; I have felt so safe and well looked after both during my operation and now during chemotherapy. I am running to say thank you to all my wonderful family and friend who have been nothing short of amazing and supportive during this time - I couldn't have done this without them.
I am running Race for Life for amazing and inspiring women that I know; the first is my friend Jess. She has had an exceptionally tough year having been diagnosed with breast cancer just after having her beautiful baby girl. She has been such an inspiring person and has helped me to see that this battle is one that can won; she has done it with such dignity and beauty, she's amazing. Also for an old school friend Shakira who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer; she has just started her battle, but I can already see that she is strong and has a wonderful family around her helping to fight the fight.
I am running for my twitter friends who have gone through or are going through their own battles with bowel cancer and other forms of cancer. It is amazing the comfort you get from people who you have never met; but their support to me is invaluable. They have first hand experience of what I am going through and we can help to give each other support, encouragement and answers to questions.
I am running in memory of so many family and friends who have lost their battle with cancer. Life can turn a cruel hand sometimes and it can break so many people's hearts. But the stories of those that have lost their fight can inspire and encourage people to make sure that if they are faced with a similar challenge to put up a good fight or if they have symptoms to make sure that they get checked out.
I am running to help to inspire people who may be going through something similar, so they can see that there can be a happy ending; "Life is a book of chapters and just because you get one bad chapter it doesn't mean the book is over".
If you would like to support me and my gorgeous angels you can visit our sponsorship page, either by clicking on the link to your right or here . Thank you to everyone who has sponsored us already - we have raised £250 already and we aren't running until July!!
Much Love and thanks Cx
I am running the Race for Life firstly for myself; not in an egotistical way, but in an appreciative way. I am so grateful for the work that Cancer Research UK does; it has ensured that survival rates for cancer have improved so much that it now not the death sentence that it once was. I am running to say thank you to the amazing nurses, surgeons, consultants, doctors and staff at the Royal Berkshire Hospital who have looked after me amazingly through this journey so far; I have felt so safe and well looked after both during my operation and now during chemotherapy. I am running to say thank you to all my wonderful family and friend who have been nothing short of amazing and supportive during this time - I couldn't have done this without them.
I am running Race for Life for amazing and inspiring women that I know; the first is my friend Jess. She has had an exceptionally tough year having been diagnosed with breast cancer just after having her beautiful baby girl. She has been such an inspiring person and has helped me to see that this battle is one that can won; she has done it with such dignity and beauty, she's amazing. Also for an old school friend Shakira who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer; she has just started her battle, but I can already see that she is strong and has a wonderful family around her helping to fight the fight.
I am running for my twitter friends who have gone through or are going through their own battles with bowel cancer and other forms of cancer. It is amazing the comfort you get from people who you have never met; but their support to me is invaluable. They have first hand experience of what I am going through and we can help to give each other support, encouragement and answers to questions.
I am running in memory of so many family and friends who have lost their battle with cancer. Life can turn a cruel hand sometimes and it can break so many people's hearts. But the stories of those that have lost their fight can inspire and encourage people to make sure that if they are faced with a similar challenge to put up a good fight or if they have symptoms to make sure that they get checked out.
I am running to help to inspire people who may be going through something similar, so they can see that there can be a happy ending; "Life is a book of chapters and just because you get one bad chapter it doesn't mean the book is over".
If you would like to support me and my gorgeous angels you can visit our sponsorship page, either by clicking on the link to your right or here . Thank you to everyone who has sponsored us already - we have raised £250 already and we aren't running until July!!
Much Love and thanks Cx
Ding Ding! Round 6
Firstly I must apologise for neglecting my blog recently. I have had a real emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks. I am finding that as I am nearing the end of my chemotherapy I am becoming increasing scared about 'going it alone'. Although chemo is not a walk in the park at all, I find comfort knowing that I have these cancer fighting drugs inside me doing their job; I worry about what will happen when I suddenly have to fight the cancer returning by myself. I know that I will be monitored closely for the next five years, but I anxiety of not knowing why I developed the cancer is making me feel very nervous. I am planning on a total lifestyle and diet overhaul in the hope that I will have that on my side; but I find it all very overwhelming. I am sure that these are all very normal feeling so I am not too worried, but I wanted you all to know why I have been away for a little while!!
So, on to my sixth round of chemo! Last time my blood results were very borderline, it was only my white blood cell count that ensured that the chemo could go ahead; this time going into chemo I felt very run down and low so I knew that I would be in a similar situation, in fact I was certain that they would have to delay my treatment for a week. But I stayed positive and Mum and I started the day with a yummy breakfast. I have clearly spent a lot of time in the coffee shop at the Royal Berks and I had collected enough loyalty points for a free cup of coffee, so that was a good start to the day!
We went to see the oncologist at about 10am, and as usual had a long old wait to be seen! Once we were almost an hour late I did wonder if they had forgotten me, but was assured I was next! I do wonder how they manage to run so late as I seem to be in and out in no time! He was happy with my improved side effects, due to the slightly reduced dosage. As I predicted my blood tests were borderline, but my white blood cells saved the day again so we were all good to go ahead with the treatment.
So it was off to the chemo ward to wait for the chemo to be released by the pharmacy. Mum and I waited patiently with our trashy mags and M&S lunch! The M&S is definitely the best thing to arrive in the Royal Berks!! I was plugged in at about 1.30 and we filled our time with more trashy mags! I have bought books to read about how your diet and lifestyle can help to fight cancer, and I bring them with me each week with the intention of reading them, but I am still feeling overwhelmed by it all. I am sure I will finally get my head around reading them!
The time went by quite quickly thankfully and it was time to pick up by beautiful girl from nursery. As I am sure you have already picked up on this is my favourite part of the whole day; however bad I feel after the treatment I am always determined to go into nursery and see her face when I walk in. Its priceless and reminds me of what my fight is all about. She is my rock and my life and the very best thing to ever happen to me.
Well what about this beautiful weather?!? Doesn't it make everything seem so much better? You can wake up with a smile on your face, it makes you want to get up out of bed and make the most of the day. It has also had a very positive affect on my side effects; the warmth has helped to reduce the tingling but I must admit I find it hard not being able to have an ice lolly or a cold drink; gosh that's all I am craving!!
I hope that you are all well and wish you all a wonderful week.
Much love Cx
So, on to my sixth round of chemo! Last time my blood results were very borderline, it was only my white blood cell count that ensured that the chemo could go ahead; this time going into chemo I felt very run down and low so I knew that I would be in a similar situation, in fact I was certain that they would have to delay my treatment for a week. But I stayed positive and Mum and I started the day with a yummy breakfast. I have clearly spent a lot of time in the coffee shop at the Royal Berks and I had collected enough loyalty points for a free cup of coffee, so that was a good start to the day!
We went to see the oncologist at about 10am, and as usual had a long old wait to be seen! Once we were almost an hour late I did wonder if they had forgotten me, but was assured I was next! I do wonder how they manage to run so late as I seem to be in and out in no time! He was happy with my improved side effects, due to the slightly reduced dosage. As I predicted my blood tests were borderline, but my white blood cells saved the day again so we were all good to go ahead with the treatment.
So it was off to the chemo ward to wait for the chemo to be released by the pharmacy. Mum and I waited patiently with our trashy mags and M&S lunch! The M&S is definitely the best thing to arrive in the Royal Berks!! I was plugged in at about 1.30 and we filled our time with more trashy mags! I have bought books to read about how your diet and lifestyle can help to fight cancer, and I bring them with me each week with the intention of reading them, but I am still feeling overwhelmed by it all. I am sure I will finally get my head around reading them!
The time went by quite quickly thankfully and it was time to pick up by beautiful girl from nursery. As I am sure you have already picked up on this is my favourite part of the whole day; however bad I feel after the treatment I am always determined to go into nursery and see her face when I walk in. Its priceless and reminds me of what my fight is all about. She is my rock and my life and the very best thing to ever happen to me.
Well what about this beautiful weather?!? Doesn't it make everything seem so much better? You can wake up with a smile on your face, it makes you want to get up out of bed and make the most of the day. It has also had a very positive affect on my side effects; the warmth has helped to reduce the tingling but I must admit I find it hard not being able to have an ice lolly or a cold drink; gosh that's all I am craving!!
I hope that you are all well and wish you all a wonderful week.
Much love Cx
Sunday, 13 May 2012
A new found respect
I have always had a love/hate relationship with my body; wanting to be thinner, more toned or hating my spotty skin - but I have rarely thought about the inside of my body. I am relatively healthy; I have my weaknesses (sugar, sweets and chocolate) which I have since found out that cancer loves - great! I haven't always exercised; I was always that lucky/annoying girl who could eat whatever I liked and not exercise and still have a good(ish) body. Although that only lasted until I was 21, now I need to work at it, although I tend to have a cycle of not working at it, hating my body and then working on it for a while before the cycle starts again!
Since my diagnosis I have viewed my body quite differently. To begin with I felt very cross and as though my body had let me down my allowing this lodger into my body, letting it stay comfortably and feeding it enabling it to grow. But since then I have realised that actually my body is amazing. I don't know why I developed cancer or how long it was in there for, but I do believe that the tumour grew slowly over a number of years from a polyp in my colon. Throughout this time my body served me well considering it had something alien begin to attack it; I was a well person who knew they had "bowel issues" but could control them well.
It is now that I look back to when I was pregnant that I realise just how amazing my body is. By this time the tumour would have been quite big and well developed, and yet during my pregnancy I felt better than I had for years. My body protected my beautiful girl, it fed her and allowed her to develop into the perfect baby that I have now. My body even managed to produce the food that she had exclusively until she was 4 months old; this was against all the odds. By the time I had given birth and was breastfeeding I was starting to become quite ill; my food was going straight through me and I was in constant pain, yet my body fed Alexa and she grew perfectly. I even managed to go back to work full time and look after Alexa, and although my body was beginning to fail it still allowed me to do all of this; I even went through an OFSTED inspection during this time and we got outstanding!
So to my body; thank you for being so strong and fighting this cancer, we still have some of this journey to ride out together, but we will get there. Thank you for being stronger than I ever imagined was possible. Thank you for nurturing both me and Alexa against the odds. I promise that I will look after you and give you all the goodness that you need to carry on being so strong and amazing for the rest of our long and healthy life. Oh and I know that you are used to all the sugar but I am going to have to make you go cold turkey a little bit - please forgive me!
Much Love Cx
Since my diagnosis I have viewed my body quite differently. To begin with I felt very cross and as though my body had let me down my allowing this lodger into my body, letting it stay comfortably and feeding it enabling it to grow. But since then I have realised that actually my body is amazing. I don't know why I developed cancer or how long it was in there for, but I do believe that the tumour grew slowly over a number of years from a polyp in my colon. Throughout this time my body served me well considering it had something alien begin to attack it; I was a well person who knew they had "bowel issues" but could control them well.
It is now that I look back to when I was pregnant that I realise just how amazing my body is. By this time the tumour would have been quite big and well developed, and yet during my pregnancy I felt better than I had for years. My body protected my beautiful girl, it fed her and allowed her to develop into the perfect baby that I have now. My body even managed to produce the food that she had exclusively until she was 4 months old; this was against all the odds. By the time I had given birth and was breastfeeding I was starting to become quite ill; my food was going straight through me and I was in constant pain, yet my body fed Alexa and she grew perfectly. I even managed to go back to work full time and look after Alexa, and although my body was beginning to fail it still allowed me to do all of this; I even went through an OFSTED inspection during this time and we got outstanding!
So to my body; thank you for being so strong and fighting this cancer, we still have some of this journey to ride out together, but we will get there. Thank you for being stronger than I ever imagined was possible. Thank you for nurturing both me and Alexa against the odds. I promise that I will look after you and give you all the goodness that you need to carry on being so strong and amazing for the rest of our long and healthy life. Oh and I know that you are used to all the sugar but I am going to have to make you go cold turkey a little bit - please forgive me!
Much Love Cx
Friday, 4 May 2012
Ding Ding! Round 5
So, I now have less rounds left that I have had! That makes it seem like I'm on the home run!! I prepared for round 5 on Monday evening by giving myself a lovely lilac manicure; seeing as my hands will be practically out of use for a week or so I made the most of it! Alexa slept over at her Daddy's so I appreciated an early night; although it never quite works out like that as I miss her sleeping in the same room as me and hearing her breathing. But I appreciated it in the morning as he dropped her to nursery so Mum and I could leave for the hospital early to have some breakfast.
I made sure I had my special bracelet on as usual; it was given to me by my two besties, Aisha and Sharifa, for Christmas. We decided that from the point of diagnosis I have been on my yellow brick road to recovery, so the bracelet disc with 'Dorothy' on which is a reminder of my journey. Our other special word for this time is 'believe'; I have never lost the belief that I will survive this challenge and again my bracelet is a reminder of this. I am going to have a tattoo of believe once my treatment is over; and a few of my friends are going to join me. Having my bracelet always makes me feel like I have my girls with me all the way; it is very special to me.
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| My gorgeous bracelet from my girls Aisha and Sharifa xx |
My appointment with my Oncologist was at 10.10am, and by some miracle we only had to wait for 20 minutes this week! That is some kind of a record as you can usually wait for much longer than that! The appointment was as usual very quick, the doctor was happy with my blood tests, although my immune system was down slightly, but my white blood cell count was good so they decided not to postpone the treatment. The doctor decided to keep the slightly reduced dosage as my side effects were much more manageable. I also asked about how I will be monitored after the chemo and was told it would involve CT scans every 6 months for the next 5 years and regular colonoscopies. So once we booked my next appointment in three weeks time it was up to the chemo ward.
Again, the wait wasn't too long, only 1 and a half hours; so I was plugged in at about 1pm. I had a few trashy magazines to keep me occupied, so I am well up on all my celebrity gossip! The two hours infusion was uneventful and the two hours went very quickly. Once it was over the nurse had to remove the blue clip from my Hickman line; this was painless but she was very nervous as the stitches that she had to cut through were very close to the line, so she was worried she might accidentally cut a whole in the line. But luckily she managed it well and the line is still intact! It is far more comfortable without the clip and I feel much happier with the Hickman line. It is easier to hide under clothing and I have had no reaction to the line at all.
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| Here's me taking the 'dog' for a little walk! |
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| Here's where the line comes out of my chest without the clip - it looks sore as the stitches have just been taken out |
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| Here is how long the Hickman Line is! |
So it was time to pick up my gorgeous little Lex! Its always the perfect way to end a strange day! As I hadn't seen her since 5ish the day before it is always to lovely to see her big smile and running cuddles, it reminds me of the good things in life! So off we went home with slight tingling in my fingers and toes; and I ended the evening in the best place ever, cuddled up with my special girl.
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| The best way to end the day xxx |
Much Love Cx
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Sorry for the absence...
I must apologise for neglecting my blog; I have now had over 8300 views (which is unbelievable) so I know that a lot of friends and family keep up to date with my goings on through this blog. So I hope I haven't worried anyone by going missing for a while! The reason I have been absent is because I had a lovely mini-break with my gorgeous family. Mum, Dad, my sis Lucy, Alexa and I stayed in a caravan in Poole; we picked Poole as it is a nice getaway and my lovely grandparents live in Poole also. I was hoping to have the chance to catch up with the blog, but unfortunately there was no internet! I must admit I did feel a bit lost without it!
Despite the weather we managed to make the most of it; we went to Sandbanks where Alexa loved playing in the sand, we visited a farm, went shopping, went swimming, visiting grandma and Grandad and caught up with some old friends The Norths. We always used to holiday with the Norths, so it was lovely to see them all and it felt very reminiscent of our childhood holidays. So all in all it was a busy and most enjoyable few days away and just what the doctor ordered. And I am very pleased to let you all know that my Gramps is making excellent progress since his stroke; he is physically well, but he is still confusing and loosing some words. It was so lovely to see him and give him a big kiss and cuddle.
I have been feeling really well this week; I have had minimal side effects, except the exhaustion. I felt like a 'normal' Mum taking Alexa to the beach and the farm. It was a really special time and one that I will cherish for years to come.
So now it's getting ready for round 5 on Tuesday. I am making the most of the last weekend before we start the cycle all over again! I am catching up with friends today and will be attending the official presentation and party at Reading FC; celebrating their league win and promotion to the Premiership. I'm not a football fan, but Alexa's Daddy works at the club and I'm sure Alexa is very proud that her Daddy now works at a Premiership football club!
I hope you are all well and didn't drown in all the rain!!
Much Love Cx
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
War Wounds
**WARNING! Pictures of my wounds from my operation!!**
I have always had a huge fear of being cut open, so this procedure forced me to face this fear head on. My way of coping was to try and not to think about it too deeply, just go with what the health professionals say and put my trust in them. I wasn't too worried about the size of the scar, as long as it was neat and the tumour was successfully removed. I often look at the scars and wonder what my colon looks like inside; I know that a foot was removed so it must look strange. But to be honest as long as it works ok then I shouldn't really worry! I do find the body's ability to heal and mend itself just amazing; mine has been through pregnancy, the trauma of birth and then dealing with cancer and its treatment in just over a year. Its just amazing that it is still serving me so well.
Just to remind you, I had keyhole surgery. The large wound that goes through my belly button is where the tumour and part of the colon was taken out and there are three smaller incisions (below my belly button and either side of but below the belly button) where the rods would have gone through to perform the keyhole surgery. So here they are.....
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| This was 4 days after the surgery; I cannot believe how swollen my tummy is, but then a lot had gone on under the skin. The wounds are glued and didn't have any dressings on from when I left the operating theatre. |
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| These are the wounds today - hardly noticeable! |
Much Love Cx
What a difference a few days make x
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| Image from www.kushandwizdom.tumblr.com |
I had the district nurse round on Monday; she flushed my Hickman line with saline and a anti-blood clotting solution and then she took the dressings off. In line with quite a number of Health Trusts, Berkshire like to have Hickman lines free of dressings, so I am hoping that will eliminate any reaction I could have with dressings. It did feel weird to have no dressing and the line hangs down to my waist! Thank god I'm a girl and can tuck it into my bra, I'd be so worried it catch it and pull it if it was hanging down all the time!
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| Here's my hickman line without the dressing - the blue clip is stitched in place and will be removed before my next chemo session in 2 weeks |
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| My home manicure! A bit messy but not too bad! |
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| Treated myself to some yummy pastels - cannot wait to try them out |
Today Mum, Alexa and I braved going to Goring to feed the ducks and have some yummy lunch. Although it was rainy we managed to dodge the rain when feeding the ducks and the heavens opened once we were safely inside the restaurant! It was so lovely to feel 'normal'; as you all know this is something I crave more than chocolate!!
So here's to a lovely, positive week. I wish the same to you all.
Much Love Cx
Monday, 16 April 2012
Ding Ding! Round 4
I am now half way through chemotherapy!! YAY!
I must apologise for neglecting my blog last week; I found last week quite difficult emotionally and physically. I have worked out that the steroids that you have for anti-sickness alongside the chemo make you feel a bit 'trippy' for the first two days, and by Thursday I start to experience a bit of a come down. I spent nearly all of Thursday sleeping, and emotionally I have felt a bit down since. But I am determined to have a positive week this week.
So, let's fill you in on what happened last week! Tuesday started earlier as usual as I was having my Hickman line inserted. As you may have already read the PICC lines which go in through my arm to my heart didn't work out for me, so rather than risk permanent damage from the chemo to the veins in my hands, it was decided that I would have a Hickman line inserted. It essentially does the same job as the PICC; it is tunnelled under the skin from the chest to the main artery in your neck, it is then inserted through the artery into the heart. It will (hopefully) stay in until the end of my treatment and all blood tests can be taken from the line and my chemo is administered through the line.
My Mum and I arrived at 8.30 ready for the procedure; the car park was empty so we were able to park right by the Berkshire Cancer Centre for the first time! I had decided that I would be sedated for the procedure as I had had enough of being brave all the time, so I hadn't eaten since the previous evening. We had been warned that it would be manic in the Cancer Ward due to the two Easter bank holidays, and it certainly was! Normally everyone has their blood tests the day before the chemo so everyone was in early to have their blood taken ready for their chemo. Thankfully I was able to have mine taken whilst Esme inserted my line. I felt very apprehensive about the line as I have enjoyed feeling free of lines and also it is quite intrusive, but Esme is so lovely and she made me feel relaxed. My Mum decided not to stay and watch, and I think that was definitely a good decision as it wasn't very pleasant. The sedation didn't really touch me much, but the area was anaesthetised so I could feel pressure but no pain. I'm not going to lie, it was really horrible, especially the pressure of my neck as the line went in.
So the line was inserted and it felt very strange, limiting movement in my neck, but we went off to the X-Ray department to make sure it was in the correct position. Luckily it was and I went down to meet my Oncologist dressed in a lovely hospital gown alongside half of my comfy tracksuit! Very attractive! This ran smoothly, although it is probably due to the fact that I was quite late for the appointment because of the procedure and the X-Ray. He was happy with how I was getting on and my bloods were fine; he decided to drop the dosage of Oxiplatin by 15% and would look at maybe reducing my tablet chemo next time depending on how severe my side effects are this time. So it was back up to the chemo ward expecting a long wait, but again it ran smoothly and I was in within an hour! Even more luckily the ward was so busy that there were no chairs left so I was able to go into a side room with a bed; so a good two hour nap was enjoyed! That certainly made the chemo go quicker. Before I knew it it was time to go home. It was then that we encountered our last challenge of the day. Somehow we had managed to have two idiots parking so closely to either side of the car that we could not open the doors either side; I mean, really, can people be THAT stupid?!? Luckily they had permits in them so we managed to track them down, only to be told "well you shouldn't have parked so close then!" Ummmmm, excuse me! We were here at 8.30 with no cars in sight and parked well within the lines! He did sort of apologise when he saw the predicament we were in and realised HE was at fault.
The dropping of the dosage certainly helped with the side effects; I had a tingly nose and fingers as I left, but nothing too extreme thankfully. The side effects have grown in intensity during the week, and it wasn't helped by the cold wind this weekend making my hands and feet totally numb! The exhaustion has been the main side effect this week; if you left me I could sleep all day and night! But I am holding on to the thought that I am half way through and I have come so far that I will not let it beat me!
Hope you are all well?
Much Love Cx
I must apologise for neglecting my blog last week; I found last week quite difficult emotionally and physically. I have worked out that the steroids that you have for anti-sickness alongside the chemo make you feel a bit 'trippy' for the first two days, and by Thursday I start to experience a bit of a come down. I spent nearly all of Thursday sleeping, and emotionally I have felt a bit down since. But I am determined to have a positive week this week.
So, let's fill you in on what happened last week! Tuesday started earlier as usual as I was having my Hickman line inserted. As you may have already read the PICC lines which go in through my arm to my heart didn't work out for me, so rather than risk permanent damage from the chemo to the veins in my hands, it was decided that I would have a Hickman line inserted. It essentially does the same job as the PICC; it is tunnelled under the skin from the chest to the main artery in your neck, it is then inserted through the artery into the heart. It will (hopefully) stay in until the end of my treatment and all blood tests can be taken from the line and my chemo is administered through the line.
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| Here's what the Hickman line looks inside |
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| Here's my lovely Hickman line! |
The dropping of the dosage certainly helped with the side effects; I had a tingly nose and fingers as I left, but nothing too extreme thankfully. The side effects have grown in intensity during the week, and it wasn't helped by the cold wind this weekend making my hands and feet totally numb! The exhaustion has been the main side effect this week; if you left me I could sleep all day and night! But I am holding on to the thought that I am half way through and I have come so far that I will not let it beat me!
Hope you are all well?
Much Love Cx
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