What I have learnt

Inevitably going through something that forces you to face your own mortality will also give you lots of lessons.  I am incredibly lucky to be in a position  where I am able to use these lessons in the rest of my life.  Some of these things are fairly obvious, but I wanted to chart them as much for myself as for you reading.

• Life is so very precious - it is amazing that you can be faced with how fragile life is by the use of one word and in one moment.  Saying that you should live each day as if it your last is a bit hedonistic for me, but I do believe in making the most of every moment and being thankful for each new day.
• Don't sweat the small stuff - but sometimes it is the small stuff that matter.  I have learnt not to stress about things that are out of my control or don't really matter; but equally I have learnt that being able to still experience the small things, like seeing Alexa's smile, waking up to sunshine or having a cuppa with friends and family, are incredibly precious.  I am far more appreciative of everything in my life now.
• Some people will never get it - I didn't have a 'touch' of cancer, my chemotherapy wasn't a light version, I am not ok just because I haven't lost my hair and I will never be the same person again.  I try to not let some people's attitudes get to me, but I am proud of the battle I have been through and don't want anyone to belittle my accomplishment.
• You find out who really cares and who will always be there for you - sometimes this can really surprise you! Sometimes the people you expect to be there for you suddenly don't know how to act or speak around you, whereas it can be the people you least expect to be there offer you unending support.
• The innocence of childhood is to be cherished - Throughout this journey I have always been able to look at my amazing daughter and feel a real sense of love and hope.  She was young enough to have not been aware of the crisis going on around her; she would happily sit and read through my chemotherapy book without having a clue what it was!  The innocence of childhood disappears so quickly, so cherish and encourage it whilst it is still there.
• Normality and routine is actually very important - Living with cancer is like living in a bubble; it consumes your whole life and becomes your reality.  This is why I craved normality so much.  I wanted to be back at work, to be able to moan about having a cold, to look 'normal' and to be a normal Mum.  I appreciate all of these things so much more now.
• You have no idea how strong you are until you are tested - I even surprised myself with my strength!  But there is no option, you are fighting a battle and strength will give you a fighting chance of winning.
• Listen to your body - if you think there is something not right then get it checked out - it really is that simple!  Question your doctor and make sure that you are satisfied with the outcome, if not then keep going!
• Living with guilt and regret is a waste of time - If you don't think something is right then don't do it! Then you will not feel guilty or have regrets.  If you do make mistakes then learn from them and don't make the same one again.
• Live in the now - yesterday is done, today is going and tomorrow is yet to come, so make the most of the moment you are in NOW.

Much Love Cx

Back to Blogging.....

It has now been a little over three months since I had my last dose of chemotherapy.  I cannot believe how fast that time has passed.  It is just short of a year since my diagnosis; this time last year I was in constant, excruciating pain, I looked grey and very ill and I was loosing so much weight.  I was also working full time, looking after my 10 month old daughter, running my home and also preparing for an OFSTED!  I still cannot believe that I managed to do all of that; I remember feeling that if I sat down and stopped I would never get up again!  I would keep on at an incredible pace from 6am until 10pm when I would drop into bed feeling hugely exhausted.  I also still had no idea just how ill I was; but I knew in the back of my mind that something was seriously wrong.

I am really proud of how far I have come and how much I have battled to get where I am today.  I am sure that I have already shared a quote that I can hugely relate to 'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have.'  This is so very true; when I speak to people about my experience I am always told that they cannot believe how strong I was and how they don't think they would have reacted in the same way if it was them.  But I would have said that if I was them!  There was no choice but to be strong; there was no way this cancer was going to beat me and take me away from my family, friends and beautiful daughter.

I cannot say that the past three months have been easy; most of the time I am able to be 'normal'.  I enjoy being a normal Mum, doing normal thing like shopping, swimming, catching up with friends, having a cheeky drink, etc.  But I can also honestly say that there hasn't been a day since that I haven't thought about cancer and what I went through.  I am fully aware that this has totally changed me; I will never be the same person again.  I have learnt so much; who and what is important, how fragile life is and how it is the little things that matter the most.  The emotions have been hitting me really hard; I try not to constantly look backwards, but I am aware that I do have a lot of feelings to work through.  When I recall events from last year I feel a real sense of fear and panic; these are the emotions that I put into a little box when I was going through my operation, recovery and treatment. 

I am still a long way from being 'OK' again; this is what I struggle with slightly!  Because the treatment has finished and I look 'OK', lots of people think I am fine.  But this is not quite true; I am still experiencing numb fingers and toes, I still get an itchy rash about every three weeks, I am still exhausted and have low energy levels and my immune system has not yet recovered.  My Oncologist has said that it can take up to a year for all of these side affects to go and I am mindful that I still need to look after myself.

So I am now travelling on the second phase of this journey; this journey will last a lifetime. 

Sorry for the absence.....I will update you will what has happened since my last post over the weekend.

Much Love Cx

My Race for Life x

The 22nd July was a very special Sunday.  It was the culmination of the past 8 months of cancer, surgery, chemotherapy and nasty side affects.  I had always been determined to complete the Race for Life and raise money so that people affected by cancer can be survivors like me!  I was surrounded by lots of people who are dear to me and who I love dearly.  Not only those running but those cheering us all along.

I wasn't able to run the whole race, so I walked the majority of the course, but I was so proud of myself when I ran through the finish line with my gorgeous girl on my shoulders.  I expected to be very emotional, but to be honest I felt really strong.  I was able to see this moment as the start of the next chapter of my life; a healthy, happy future.

Thank you so much for everyone who sponsored our team, we raised around £1500 online and I'm not sure how much offline!! incredible, I am so proud of everyone who helped make the day so successful and enjoyable.

All my beautiful Angels xx



Some of my gorgeous angels - my cousin Cheryl, Auntie Christine,
my cousin Kay and Cheryl's daughter Mia x

At the finish line with my gorgeous girl

 

These were around the house as we returned from the race xx

Much Love Cx



Tomorrow is the day....

This time tomorrow I will be setting off from the start line at the Race for Life with my angels by my side!  I feel overwhelmed that we have almost raised £1000, we are £30 away from that target, so come on, who is going to make it up to the magic figure of a grand?!?!

I am so looking forward to tomorrow, its almost like the start of my 'new life'.  It is something that my Mum and I have done every year for years, so it seems apt that I am not letting cancer get in the way of me doing it again.  I am sure that tomorrow will be an emotional day; the relief of the end of treatment, being surrounded by people who have been by my side through it all and just reading everyone's back signs. I am hopeful for a dry, sunny day.  I have got my kit ready, lots of pink accessories and my mind is the right place to get to the end of the race (not sure my body is ready though!).

So if you would like to donate just a small amount towards our amazing total then you can click on the link to the right or here.

Thank you all so much for your support and I look forward to telling you all about how tomorrow goes.

Much Love Cx

Its out!

Today I was up mega early to get to the hospital for 8.30 to have my Hickman Line removed.  This is something I have been really looking forward to; although it has worked excellently and is far more discreet than the PICC line, it was a final reminder of the treatment and i wanted it OUT!  I had to have a blood test on Monday to ensure that my platelet levels were improving so that they knew it would heal ok.  My platelets are still relatively low but were high enough for the procedure to go ahead.

I knew that it wouldn't be a very nice procedure as there is a small cuff that lies just under the skin that the tissue adheres to, this keeps the line in place.  The nurse needs to make a little cut under the skin and then release the cuff before she can pull the line out.  This happens when you are awake, although you do have a local anaesthetic and can be sedated if you wish.  So I was preparing myself overnight for this!

We arrived bright and early and the lovely nurse Esme took me into the room where she was going to take it out.  I had decided to not be sedated as I have found that it doesn't really have much of an affect on me.  She laid me down and cleaned the area and explained that she would make a small T-cut coming from the hole where the line exits my skin.  She did this quickly and it was time to remove the cuff.  This was the tricky bit. My body had done an excellent job of adhering to the cuff so Esme prepared herself for lots of cutting to remove it!  It was a horrible sensation; I didn't feel the pain but felt the sensation of her tugging at the cuff to see if it had loosened. 

As I am sure you are aware I haven't had the best history with lines, so it seemed inevitable that things would not be easy this time either. As Esme was releasing the cuff she was pulling the line out from under my skin and she got to a point where the line was out of my vein, but the cuff was still attached to my tissue. She said she had never seen this before and clearly my body is good at repairing itself. Trust me to be unusual!  So I had to endure more cutting of tissue and tugging but finally it was OUT.  Esme glued my incision up and I was ready to go.  It was weird saying goodbye to Esme and all the nurses again, I will definitely be popping in to say hello to them quite a lot.

So another hurdle jumped on my new road to recovery, and a very welcome hurdle it was.

Much Love Cx

A little reminder

Next weekend, on Sunday 22nd July, my angel's and I will be running (or walking!) the Race For Life in Reading.  I haven't done any training as I've been a bit busy battling cancer, LOL, but I am determined to get round that track in one piece!  I am preparing myself for it being an emotional race this year; I always well up when I read people's back signs anyway, so God help me this year!  I have a feeling it will be where my outpouring of emotion finally arrives.

So, we have done fantastically well already raising £660 online, which smashed our target of £500!  And I know that we have raised money offline too.  A HUGE thank you for those that have donated so generously already, it really means so much to me.  If you haven't already donated then feel free to click on the link on here which will take you straight to our secure fundraising page.  I know that so many people run the Race for Life so please do not worry about the amount you donate; even £1 makes a difference.

My angels are - my Mum, my sis Lucy, my good friend Naomi, her Mum Tina and her little girl Alyssya, my Auntie Christine, my cousins Cheryl and Kay, my good friend Jo, another good friend Sam and her daughter Daisy, another good friend Caroline, my close family friends Jill and Becky and the lovely Renee, whose husband works with my sister.  Quite a good team we've got there!

We can do this! We can all work together to help beat cancer!

Much Love Cx

Hmmm.....

I have never claimed to be the most polished or attractive girl there ever was, but I do pride myself on always trying to work with what I have got to look my best.  That is why I am really struggling at the moment.  Throughout my treatment I tried really hard to not look like a 'cancer patient'.  Whilst it may not be an important factor for everyone going through the battle I've been through, for me it was a way of holding on to a little part of myself 'before cancer'.

Its amazing how much cancer takes from you - it takes away your sense of normality, your ability to live care free, your health, your freedom, parts of your body, etc. and I feel that holding on to my appearance was one thing I was able to control.  For a while at the very beginning of treatment I felt really good; I still had my long dark hair, my skin was almost doll like and my body was just as I wanted it.  But the chemo has taken its toll now!  I haven't been able to dye my hair so it looks very odd and I had a lot cut off to try and stop there being too many different colours and it has also thinned quite a lot now.  My body is bloated and carrying too much weight due to the side affects of the chemo and also not having the energy to exercise.

My skin looks like a teenagers'; greasy and full of spots.  I suppose this is my immune system being so low, but I find it SO hard to deal cope with.  Your face is what people see first and although people say it looks fine I KNOW it doesn't.  Maybe its a throwback to my teenage years when I suffered from acne younger than most of my peers; I used to get called SuperTed's best friend - remember his name??? .......Spotty! Thanks for that!!  Acne isn't supposed to be something a 32 year old mother should have to deal with.  I am so strict with my skincare routine; I have the cleanest face in the west!!  But still these boils and spots are here.  It affects my confidence hugely; I want to be able to celebrate the end of treatment and plan for my birthday in August but I don't want anyone to see me looking this bad!

Anyways, enough moaning already Charlotte! I do have my life and a bright future and I know that I will be able to get back to normal soon - I just need some patience (not my strong point).  I so desire to be me again; I have been through a lot and is just another hurdle along the way.

Much Love (and sorry for the negativity!)

Cx